Liverpool to reclaim history, literally

Today's article is brought to you by guest writer Mark Ablett

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

In sensational news today, Jurgen Klopp has unveiled Liverpool’s latest tactic to seek to fulfil the legacy of the dominant Reds of the 1970s and 1980s - to pretend that the team is still in fact in the 1970s and 1980s.

The ruggedly adorable German laughed amiably throughout this morning’s press conference at Melwood, speaking with his usual clarity: “Well you know, ha, I think, ha, that uhh if we think about the past, the past is very good, we like the past, it is nice, like a sandwich, ha, and if you put smoked beef in the sandwich is even better, you know, then I think that ha, it will be like a different piece of bread, and bread is good energy, and energy is what we need for the gegenpressing, and well… John Barnes is like a dill pickle.” (Editor: this quotation had to be abbreviated, because otherwise this article would be so long you would definitely not still be reading it.)

Klopp looking confused by something, probably himself

In order to further this new tactic, Klopp, financially backed by Boston-based FSG, has brought in a few new additions to his coaching team to ensure his message is carried through. Speaking to the media for the first time today, Barry Gibb of the Bee Gees said he was looking forward to ensuring the team had a strong knowledge of the 1970s and he could not wait to start working with fellow new coach, Boy George. In other news, rumours are already circulating that new youth coach Gary Glitter has been suspended after just one coaching session.

Klopp, in keeping with his total football approach, has demanded full commitment from his players and imposed a dress code at Melwood. Speaking to Come on Sport, Roberto Firmino explained: “the gaffer told us that if we arrive to training in anything other than flares, he will send us home with a two week suspension.”

Joining the Brazilian, captain Jordan Henderson mumbled in his Wearside warble: “the boss makes Bobby stand by the entrance and he gets Jon Flanagan to point lights at his teeth and then we all dance into training like Saturday Night Fever. Not only is this great because we use Bobby as a human disco ball, its great man management because it makes Flanno feel like he’s not completely wasting his existence at the club.”

Upon hearing this explanation, Firmino smiled broadly, leaving Henderson partially blinded and our reporter near-comatose.

 Blinding: Roberto Firmino’s luminous teeth

Having recovered, our reporter spoke to the director of transfers at Liverpool, Nigel O. Clew, who had just returned to the job from the Royal Liverpool Hospital after being clinically diagnosed with a severe allergy to signing competent defenders. Mr N.O. Clew told our reporter that they were eyeing up the right kind of transfer targets to fit with Klopp’s new vision: “we’re looking at all the options of course. The dream would be to follow the gaffer’s plan to pretend it is the 1970s and 1980s by simply re-signing the legends from that time.”

The success of this transfer strategy remains to be seen. It is possible that fielding players like John Barnes, who is now wider than he is tall, or Kenny Dalglish, who now draws his state pension, would have the necessary surprise element to hoodwink more tactically astute managers. It is also possible it could be bollocks.

When asked for his comment, Jamie Carragher told Come on Sport “ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhgghghghghghghghgh”. Unfortunately, Come on Sport’s Scouse interpreter is off sick so we have no idea what Jamie meant.