UK ink industry in crisis as Pietersen-Prior war of words intensifies

The UK is braced for the largest ink shortage seen in this country since that time they accidentally printed an entire batch of the last Harry Potter book in font size 72, as the war of words between former England teammates Kevin Pietersen and Matt Prior continues to escalate.

In what can best be described as a literary arms race, Prior today stunningly hit back at criticism in Pietersen's imaginatively entitled autobiography 'KP' by releasing his own book only hours after the former was published. Swashbuckling South African-born batsman/part-time pie chucker Pietersen had most notably accused Prior of 'bullying' other players, such as not-so-swashbuckling South-African-born batsman/inveterate gum chewer Jonthan Trott, and running the dressing room along with other eminent figures of the bowling attack. Clearly riled by the accusations levelled at him, Prior has wasted no time in replying and has launched a sensational series of counter-claims which basically mean no-one has the foggiest idea what the hell is going on any more and can we please just get back to playing some proper cricket again and none of this new-fangled Twenty20 rubbish where people like Luke Wright look half-decent but real cricket where no one scores at more than two an over and then it all ends in a draw anyway? Thanks.

Conscious to avoid any possible litigation, Prior does not directly mention Pietersen in his publication, however frequent references to the cryptically named 'Kaypee' and his decision to name the book Shut Up Kev You Absolute Muppet leave the reader in little doubt as to the target of his ire. Amongst other startling allegations, Prior reveals the origins of his self-appointed nickname 'Big Cheese' (referred to scathingly by Pietersen in his autobiography) by claiming that his use of the term was nothing more than an attempt at self-deprecation after Pietersen dubbed him 'Edam Head' in reference to his big, round, shiny, bald head.

The Prior family tree, by Kevin Pietersen

Prior also lifts the lid on the infamous 'windowgate' incident, where he allegedly smashed a window of the Lords pavilion with his bat after a cheap dismissal: 'The reality is that on that particular afternoon, Kaypee's ego swelled to such a size within the changing room that there was nowhere else for it to go other than through that window. However, after he threatened to tie me to a chair and make me watch a video of a Geoff Boycott double century in its entirety (a solid 30 hours' worth of footage), I had no choice but to take the blame on his behalf. True story.'

Having initially been dropped from the England squad in 2012 after details of texts he had sent to the South Africa team criticising then-skipper Andrew Strauss were released, Prior's book also reveals the full extent of the close rapport Pietersen held with his South African counterparts. It is alleged that Pietersen once dropped a catch off Graeme Smith because he was too busy sending Smith a selfie on Snapchat with the caption 'watch out for the inswinger', and that he also had a to-scale drawing of Hashim Amla's beard tattooed onto his backside after losing a drunken bet.

Despite this, Pietersen does not appear to be about to back down in the argument, and straight away announced details of a sequel so self-indulgent that he isn't even bothering to give it a title. In extracts leaked to this blog, the former England batsman:

•  Explains how the entire squad greeted him after one innings by whistling the Zimbabwean national anthem, leading him to question his own origins and indeed his very own being in a state of panic and confusion;
• Recalls how Andy Flower made him write 'I shall not slog sweep a length ball down deep backward square leg's throat when my side are teetering at 39-5' one hundred times on the dressing room wall after last winter's Sydney Ashes Test;
• Calls upon cricketing historians the world over to reconsider the unanimous view that Don Bradman was the greatest cricketer of all time: 'A Test average of of 99.94 is decent, granted, but how many times has he slogged a Bangladeshi off-spinner over cow corner for six in a meaningless IPL encounter?'.

We hear you Kevin, we hear you.

'The Don': Couldn't hack it in the IPL

10 things they forgot to include in FIFA 15

It's back. With gleaming graphics, a revolutionised dribbling system, and Mezut Ozil looking even more like a preying mantis than ever before, the recently-released FIFA 15 promises to be, like most years, pretty similar to last year. But you'll probably still end up forking out £50 for it anyway.

Having got our hands on a copy, this blog anticipates an astronomical rise in divorce rates as men around the country turn up late for their own wedding after a last-gasp equaliser by a 12-year old from Wigan (alias xX-FIFA_Kid2002-Xx) sends their online game into extra time. Perhaps the most eagerly anticipated new feature was the inclusion of all 20 Premier League stadiums in the game, as this enables us to put to bed once and for all one of football's greatest debates. For the first time, Argentian maestro Lionel Messi has the opportunity to prove to his detractors that he can indeed still perform on a cold, wet Tuesday night in Stoke, with two-footed lunges being aimed at his face by the stain on humanity that is Charlie Adam. We tried it. He's still quite good.

Nevertheless, we can't help but feel that EA Sports has missed out a few crucial elements. Here is our non-exhaustive list of things we would like to see in FIFA 16:

1. Qatar 2022 World Cup committee mode - slip bungs to corrupt FIFA officials, kill off illegal Vietnamese workers in the name of cost efficiency, and rub your hands with glee as the logistical nightmare of having 32 participating nations but only one city in the whole country unfolds, all from your swanky new office in Doha. Limited edition downloadable World Cup stadia pack available for only $2m, payable to Mr S. Blatter, FIFA Hauptquartier, Zurich, Switzerland.

Enhanced graphics mean that buying the World Cup despite all logic indicating that it 

will be a complete farce has never been more lifelike

2. Playable Sepp Blatter - make him play in 50-degree heat and watch him wilt, the corrupt old bastard.

3. Commentary from Joey Barton - listen to Twitter's resident nutter's musings as he guides you through the League Two relegation clash between Wycombe Wanderers and Accrington Stanley employing a mixture of Dostoyevsky quotes and Chinese proverbs.

4. Tragic XI - the antithesis of the all-conquering Classic XI, a team so bad even one of the Irish Premiership teams could beat them. Featuring Marouane Fellaini and Titus Bramble.

5. Handegg (US edition only) - an innovative new take on the game of football as we know it, where you can pick it up with your hands, wear unnecessary amounts of padding and shout U-S-A U-S-A non-stop for 90 minutes to the point where your next-door neighbours want to move as far away from you as humanly possible. Includes all-new franchises such as Hull City Tigersaurus Rexes, East London Jackhammers and a whole host of other teams which sound like they have been taken directly from Pro Evo 4. Game is liable to stop at arbitrary moments for a commercial break. (Editor's note: forget it, turns out they already invented that.)

6. UFOs - this was originally a cheat mode on FIFA 2000, where flying saucers would descend onto the pitch at various intervals and abduct a player at random. In a new twist, you can now fight back, and it'll be just like Independence Day except this time it's Carlton Cole that's the hero.

Extraterrestrials fleeing from a pumped up Carlton Cole (off-shot)

7. 4D goal-line technology - adding an extra dimension to the recently implemented goal-line technology so that when you hit the crossbar and it doesn't cross the line you can go back in time and try again.

8. The Gibraltar national team - because any game without functional mid-to-lower table hero Danny Higginbotham is a game that isn't worth playing.

9. The Falklands national team - because it would wind up the Argies.

10. Bananas - An idea stolen shamelessly from the Mario Kart series. Throw banana peels at the feet of opposition strikers as they race through on goal in an effort to trip them up*.

 * Note: cannot be used on African players or Gareth Bale. This blog actively condemns all forms of racism and bullying.

Jordan Spieth loses the Ryder Cup

Masters runner-up Jordan Spieth's career could be over before it really started after a remarkable three days of golf culminated in him crumbling spectatularly under pressure to single-handedly gift the Ryder Cup to Europe. As the Europeans celebrated retaining the trophy, this blog decided to completely ignore the fact that the Ryder Cup is a team event and instead lay full blame at the 21 year old's doorstep in a vile and wholly unprovoked campaign designed solely to mentally destabilise one of Team USA's brightest young hopes.

Despite 2010 US Open champion Graeme McDowell sportingly giving him a three hole lead, Spieth still managed to royally screw everything up after a mental breakdown without precedent from someone purporting to be a top-class golfer. The sheer humiliation of making a couple of bogeys on the back 9 will no doubt haunt his dreams for ever more and shake his fragile confidence to such an extent that he is incapable of so much as looking at a golf tee without breaking into a cold sweat.

'A national embarrassment': American media has been harsh but fair on the disgraced ex-star

Whilst some so-called 'experts' may point out that the young debutant was in fact one of the stars of the first two days, and that Europe won by five clear points anyway, anyone with a modicum of golfing knowledge will recognise that his staggering lack of bottle on the final day was clearly the deciding factor in this year's tournament. The catastrophic blow to team morale was never more evident than when Hunter Mahan went in to full Speith mode on 18 and duffed a chip to hand a half point to Justin Rose, who in the immediate aftermath of the event was named World's Nicest Bloke for the twelfth consecutive year.

Elsewhere, in one of the other matches made pretty much irrelevant by Spieth's shameful display, Henrik Stenson was retrospectively awarded the win against obese moron Patrick Reed after the latter was given a 2-hole penalty for generally being an odious human being. The usually stoic Swede, who probably goes to bed cuddling his favoured 3-wood, added that he was 'moderately content' with the European victory and cracked at least a quarter of a smile in the largest display of emotion from a Scandinavian since Sven Goran Eriksson frowned in an interview in 2003.

Meanwhile, the South African cricket team was so impressed by that way Spieth choked that they have commissioned a Spieth family tree in order to explore the possibility of him having any South African heritage.

Alex Salmond named manager of soon-to-be independent Fulham

In an unexpected move, hopeless Fulham chairman Shahid Khan has today unveiled Alex Salmond as the club's new manager, with the Scot set to take charge of the London outfit for this Saturday's clash against Birmingham.

Penfold from Danger Mouse look-a-like and former boss Felix Magath was sacked last Thursday after a disastrous start to the new campaign which saw his side pick up only one point from seven games. Khan is said to be desperate to shake off the club's 'boring' image which saw them become almost everyone's second-favourite team by virtue of being so bloody inoffensive. Magath had been derided by large sections of the media as fans grew increasingly disgruntled with his antiquated methods, which included instructing Brede Hangeland to massage Dairylea Triangles into his injured groin, and playing Scott Parker.

Former manager Felix Magath cut an increasingly beleaguered figure on the Fulham bench

Whilst Salmond continues in a long line of bald, rotund Fulham managers (Jol, Magath etc), the appointment seems certain to bring about a marked change of direction for the ailing club. Although he lacks any relevant footballing experience, Salmond was said to be itching for a return to high-level public failure less than a week after his retirement from politics, and the club's owners are believed to be particularly impressed by his opening press conference, during which he revealed that 'the Scottish referendum malarkey was just a bit of a laugh and all I've ever wanted was to lead an independent Fulham to World Cup glory.'.

Having decided that democratic voting is, in fact, overrated, sources close to Salmond have hinted that he intends on unilaterally declaring the west London borough an independent republic by the end of the season, before invading England. Salmond has also promised to create 50,000 new jobs amongst the catering staff, launch his own space program which will see Hugo Rodallega be the first man to walk on the Sun, and insist on paying all future transfer fees in Scottish five pound notes. Meanwhile, Khan has pledged to use every last penny of his vast $4.3bn fortune to offer Lamborghinis to the FIFA World Cup selection committee, in a move completely unrelated to the news that Craven Cottage is now set to host the entirety of the 2026 World Cup.

Some experts believe that Alex Salmond has gone 'completely loco'

 

The new head coach is said to have beaten off stiff competition from an Aztec warlord whose plans to sacrifice youth team players in a pre-match ritual and relocate the club from its quaint riverside location to the ancient Mexican city of Technoctitlan failed to seduce the Fulham faithful.

In other news, the ghost of Michael Jackson has been named Head of Youth Development at the club, although parents are said to be slightly concerned at his intention to implement a strict one-touch philosophy for all kids' teams.

Manchester United favourites for 2014 British Comedy Awards

Thanks to a string of hilarious performances over the past few weeks the Manchester United defence has emerged as a surprise frontrunner for the 2014 British Comedy Awards.

After a breathtaking meltdown live on Sky Sports 1 at the weekend bookmakers have made the new faces of northern comedy 5-3 favourites for the honour, with Jonny Evans, Marcos Rojo and Tyler Blackett's impersonations of half-decent footballers bringing tears of joy to the eyes of those watching. For years trips to the so-called Theatre of Dreams were anything but a laughing matter as United systematically crushed the spirit of anyone foolish enough to pay £50 to sit in the away end. However, the appointment of Dutchman Louis van Gaal as Head Crackpot has led to a complete overhaul and most notably the introduction of a revolutionary slapstick routine dubbed by experts as '3-5-2'.

Manchester United legend Ryan Giggs laughed so hard he cried

The move has proven particularly popular with comedy aficionados in the Liverpool area, and legendary Italian mischief maker Mario Balotelli elegantly captured the public mood with a tweet of 'LOL'. Whilst there were strong performances throughout, special mention must go to Blackett, a 20-year old local boy previously unheard of even by his own mother who now looks odds-on to clinch the Best Newcomer Award, and Van Gaal himself for taking a deadpan approach to a whole new level by having a face that uncannily resembles the aforementioned pan.