The end of the world as we know it: A short story

12 May 2019, 3:00pm

The world sits still and unites in prayer. Surely, this can’t happen? Not now, not today? We thought it was over, we thought we’d never have to live through something like this again.

Decades had passed, decades during which hope blossomed, virtue prevailed, and all was right with the world. We can only imagine the pain our parents suffered, but as a new generation grew older the terrible memories faded into the past. There was a new world order now, we had been at peace for so long, so how had it come to this?

To remind us of the horrors of yesteryear we had only photographs and grainy black and white footage. It all seemed so far away, a bygone era where battles were played out on cold, muddy fields by men sporting thick, heavy uniforms, the scars of which had taken so long to heal but now felt so distant.

Back in the day, news travelled slowly, but this is a new era, of course. Technology has changed everything. Families gather together on the sofa in front of their high-definition television sets, students desperately search for a decent online stream from their university halls, whilst some of the older generation are sat in their kitchens listening to their radios, all following this afternoon’s events with grim fascination as they unfold.

As hostilities commence, it all seems eerily familiar. The weathered face of the German general contorts into a snarl as he barks orders at his men; he’s seen it all before, but never with so much at stake. Young men, some of them barely out of their adolescence, hurl themselves into the heart of the action with not a second’s hesitation. They have their orders, they know their destiny is in their hands, and to give anything less than their all would be the ultimate betrayal to those for whom today means so much.

12 May 2019, 4.47pm

Deadlock. Over an hour and a half of intense combat and neither side has yielded an inch. Bodies are bruised, legs and minds are heavy, and some men have already fallen by the wayside. Yet still they fight, still they continue. It’s not over until it’s over.

And suddenly, amongst the chaos, amongst the mass of bodies, one brave English soldier stands alone, seemingly forgotten by those around him. This soldier is one of a dying breed, his clean-cut features and finely-coiffed side parting a throwback to simpler times. He’s the kind of person every man wants on his side, ready to do the dirty work and loyal to the end.

This is it. This is his moment. He pulls the trigger and time stands still. Silence. Silence.

Fifty thousand blood-curdling screams as he hits his mark.

12 May 2019, 4.48pm

The whistle blows. Liverpool have just won the league at Anfield. And Jordan Henderson of all people has scored a last-minute winner.

Fuck’s sake.

THE END

Liverpool to reclaim history, literally

Today's article is brought to you by guest writer Mark Ablett

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In sensational news today, Jurgen Klopp has unveiled Liverpool’s latest tactic to seek to fulfil the legacy of the dominant Reds of the 1970s and 1980s - to pretend that the team is still in fact in the 1970s and 1980s.

The ruggedly adorable German laughed amiably throughout this morning’s press conference at Melwood, speaking with his usual clarity: “Well you know, ha, I think, ha, that uhh if we think about the past, the past is very good, we like the past, it is nice, like a sandwich, ha, and if you put smoked beef in the sandwich is even better, you know, then I think that ha, it will be like a different piece of bread, and bread is good energy, and energy is what we need for the gegenpressing, and well… John Barnes is like a dill pickle.” (Editor: this quotation had to be abbreviated, because otherwise this article would be so long you would definitely not still be reading it.)

Klopp looking confused by something, probably himself

In order to further this new tactic, Klopp, financially backed by Boston-based FSG, has brought in a few new additions to his coaching team to ensure his message is carried through. Speaking to the media for the first time today, Barry Gibb of the Bee Gees said he was looking forward to ensuring the team had a strong knowledge of the 1970s and he could not wait to start working with fellow new coach, Boy George. In other news, rumours are already circulating that new youth coach Gary Glitter has been suspended after just one coaching session.

Klopp, in keeping with his total football approach, has demanded full commitment from his players and imposed a dress code at Melwood. Speaking to Come on Sport, Roberto Firmino explained: “the gaffer told us that if we arrive to training in anything other than flares, he will send us home with a two week suspension.”

Joining the Brazilian, captain Jordan Henderson mumbled in his Wearside warble: “the boss makes Bobby stand by the entrance and he gets Jon Flanagan to point lights at his teeth and then we all dance into training like Saturday Night Fever. Not only is this great because we use Bobby as a human disco ball, its great man management because it makes Flanno feel like he’s not completely wasting his existence at the club.”

Upon hearing this explanation, Firmino smiled broadly, leaving Henderson partially blinded and our reporter near-comatose.

 Blinding: Roberto Firmino’s luminous teeth

Having recovered, our reporter spoke to the director of transfers at Liverpool, Nigel O. Clew, who had just returned to the job from the Royal Liverpool Hospital after being clinically diagnosed with a severe allergy to signing competent defenders. Mr N.O. Clew told our reporter that they were eyeing up the right kind of transfer targets to fit with Klopp’s new vision: “we’re looking at all the options of course. The dream would be to follow the gaffer’s plan to pretend it is the 1970s and 1980s by simply re-signing the legends from that time.”

The success of this transfer strategy remains to be seen. It is possible that fielding players like John Barnes, who is now wider than he is tall, or Kenny Dalglish, who now draws his state pension, would have the necessary surprise element to hoodwink more tactically astute managers. It is also possible it could be bollocks.

When asked for his comment, Jamie Carragher told Come on Sport “ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhgghghghghghghghgh”. Unfortunately, Come on Sport’s Scouse interpreter is off sick so we have no idea what Jamie meant. 

No charges over mystery package as UK Anti-Doping confirms Bradley Wiggins is a top bloke

There will be no charges over a 'mystery' medical package delivered to Sir Bradley Wiggins at the Criterium du Dauphine in 2011, says UK Anti-Doping (UKAD), following an investigation into wrongdoing at British Cycling and Team Sky which revealed that the 2013 Tour de France winner was definitely not a drug cheat but merely a loveable rogue.

In a poll run by UKAD on social media, cycling fans nationwide voted overwhelmingly in favour of Wiggins being officially recognised as a ‘top bloke’ in the Queen’s New Year’s honours list and the whole sordid affair being swept under the carpet.

“Look, Wiggo is a national hero” a UKAD spokesperson was quoted as saying. “He’s got the sideburns, he wears leather jackets, he listens to 80s prog rock. He rang an absolutely enormous bell at the Olympic opening ceremony, for goodness' sake. That was sick. He’s just such a quintessential British cheeky chappy, we couldn’t possibly punish him for what is essentially some classic high jinks involving a cardboard box and some fluimucil." 

“Of course, if it had been that traitorous Kenyan Chris Froome we’d have chucked him straight in prison, no questions asked", the spokesperson added.

Sir Bradley Wiggins: a bit of a rascal but 100% definitely maybe nothing more sinister

Mark Noble announces international retirement, Southgate completely unperturbed

Mark Noble has announced his retirement from international duty, leaving England manager Gareth Southgate with no selection headache whatsoever.

Sources close to Noble indicate that he was confident of receiving a first England call-up for the match against Brazil on Tuesday, after a spate of injuries to key players had obliged Southgate to name a new-look squad for the latest set of international friendlies.

However, the ruddy-faced, Championship-standard hatchetman’s dreams were left in tatters as he realised that he was, and always had been, absolutely nowhere near the England squad, with Southgate instead announcing an England debut for Crawley Town’s 38-year old veteran midfielder Dannie Bulman.

Mark Noble struck a familiar pose after seeing the England squad

Fresh from this latest and entirely predictable disappointment, Noble announced his retirement at a hastily-organised press conference, in what appears to have been a desperate plea for relevance in a world that had more or less forgotten that he existed.

The hot-headed plodder read out a short statement in front of a completely indifferent media, reaffirming his desire to ‘concentrate on delivering entirely inconsequential performances at the heart of a flimsy West Ham midfield, as we continue our inexorable descent into the murky depths of the Championship’.

Pressed for his thoughts on the matter, a nonplussed Southgate admitted he had never heard of Noble, adding that he was happy with the depth of England’s talent pool and was keeping tabs on a number of midfield options such as Serge from Kasabian.

Urge for Serge: Southgate to monitor Leicester rocker in the run-up to the World Cup

‘Build the wall’ was just a defensive set-piece strategy, claims Trump ahead of US-Mexico football clash

Misogynistic, racist bellend Newly-elected leader of the Greatest Country on Earth™ Donald Trump has already appeared to backtrack on one of his key election promises, after announcing that his commitment to building a wall between the USA and Mexico was simply a reference to Team USA’s defensive set-piece strategy for Friday's World Cup qualifier with their Latin neighbours.

Wary of Mexican forward Giovani dos Santos’s dead ball ability, Trump has already taken a hardline approach to countering the former Tottenham Hotspur flop legend’s threat from free-kicks.

‘We’re gonna build a wall like no other team has built a wall before. I know other teams have built a wall but this wall is gonna be so huge, sooo huge, there’s no chance those Mexicans will ever manage to kick the ball into our goalbag from a free shoot. I’m talking eleven, twelve, even fifteen big, strong all-American heroes standing in this wall, and it’s gonna be awesome. So awesome. And we’re going to go straight up the other end and score so, so many goals, and we’re going to be winning so bigly by the end that there’ll be nothing they can do about it.’

Mexican coach Juan Carlos Osorio confirmed that contrary to Trump’s claims, the Mexican players would not be assisting their American counterparts in constructing an orderly wall on the edge of the penalty area and suggested they could perhaps learn the rules of football themselves.

Donald Trump did not take kindly to being explained how the sport works

Tottenham set to win FIFA Fair Play Award after kicking seven bells out of Chelsea

Despite seeing their title hopes ended following a 2-2 draw at London rivals Chelsea on Monday, Tottenham Hotspur still look set to clinch their first bit of silverware under Mauricio Pochettino after being nominated for the FIFA Fair Play Award. The north London outfit picked up a record nine yellow cards at Stamford Bridge after a series of reckless tackles and were applauded by pundits the world over for showing absolutely zero concern for the well-being of their opponents.

Despite the much-coveted prize not traditionally being awarded until the end of the season, new FIFA boss Gianni Infantino dropped a strong hint that this year’s competition was merely a formality after such a passionate and spectacular display of studs-up artistry. Speaking at a press conference in Panama City, the Swiss egg-lookalike extolled the virtues of this young Spurs team, saying that “the Fair Play Award was designed as a recognition of exemplary behaviour, and given that there are about seven billion people in this world who would love nothing more than to needlessly mow down Cesc Fabregas on the halfway line it would be remiss of us not to champion their efforts. Chelsea are the skidmark on the pants of world football and Tottenham's efforts to eradicate them from the face of the earth simply cannot go unnoticed.”

Gianni Infantino was generous in his praise of Tottenham

Maurading left-back Danny Rose set the tone early on with a robust challenge on Willian, provoking a touchline scuffle during which Diego Costa appeared to headbutt Mousa Dembélé’s finger. Eric Dier then went on a one-man destroying mission, scything down Eden Hazard as he was running at the Tottenham defence before launching himself with both feet at Fabregas’s shins in a robust but fair challenge which left the little Spanish weasel writhing in agony. Ryan Mason capped a sparkling cameo appearance with a last-ditch raking of Hazard’s achilles in the dying embers of the game. 

Pochettino initially appeared disappointed that his inexperienced team had succumbed to Chelsea’s obvious baiting, however seemed to have changed his mind when pushed on the subject on the morning following the match. "In the heat of the moment I perhaps said some things that I shouldn’t have", opined the former Argentinian hatchetman on Tuesday. "However, having had time to reflect and re-watch some of the incidents it became apparent that Chelsea are basically just a massive bunch of wankers and, well, fuck them. Fuck them all".

The only sour note for Tottenham was Toby Alderweireld’s failure to pick up a booking from referee Mark Clattenburg, and the defender now looks certain to be disciplined by his club. Pochettino was understandably reluctant to discuss internal matters but admitted that "when even Christian Eriksen, the most inoffensive human to have ever existed, gets cautioned by the referee, you’ve got to be asking yourself how a strapping 6 foot 2 Belgian with an undercut hairstyle so extreme it’s illegal in 63 countries manages to avoid getting his name in the book".

Chelsea to organise open-top bus parade after heroic point at home to Tottenham

Chelsea Football Club have announced an open-top bus parade along the Kings Road after clinching a stunning draw at home to Tottenham Hotspur which mathematically assures the west London side of a top-thirteen finish.

In a glorious denouement to a disappointing season in which the club mounted the worst title defence in the history of professional sport, Eden Hazard curled in an equaliser with seven minutes left on the clock to send roughly forty thousand knuckle-draggers into a state of wild delirium at Stamford Bridge last night.

A beaming Guus Hiddink lauded his team’s efforts immediately after the match as captain John Terry danced behind him in full Leicester kit whilst Diego Costa punched a small child and Russian owner Roman Abramovich sacrificed several thousand goats in the centre circle in order to honour the miraculous levels of irrelevance which the club has achieved this year.

MISSING GOAT: last seen being manhandled by a stocky Russian man in Fulham on Monday night

“This club’s entire pointless existence has been based on trying to get people to care a bit about us”, the palpably emotional Dutchman declared during an on-pitch interview as We Are The Champions (Mid-Table Remix) blared out through the PA. “We won the Champions League in 2012 and still no-one noticed, but getting a late, undeserved equaliser against a team that haven’t beaten us at home for 26 years will finally write these players’ names in the history books” he added, before breaking off into tears as his charges dowsed him in champagne bought with the blood of Siberian orphans.

Whilst the nation took great pleasure in Chelsea being woeful for a couple of months in the autumn, everyone had largely forgotten they existed since Jose Mourinho left and took his acute narcissistic paranoia with him. Some would point out that Tottenham have dropped a total of 38 points this season, notably losing at home to Newcastle and drawing with Stoke despite leading 2-0 after 80 minutes, however the Blues have lost no time in trying to get someone to pay attention to them by attempting to convince the world that they are the sole reason why Spurs did not ultimately manage to overhaul Leicester in their bid to win the Premier League for the first time.

Hazard summed up the feeling around the club perfectly after the match, his voice trembling with sentiment: “When I was growing up, I used to love watching Lord of the Rings. You know that scene in The Two Towers where there’s that massive battle in Helm’s Deep with millions of orcs, and then it zooms out and there’s this one little orc standing somewhere near the back…sort of looks like Charlie Adam…yeah, so he sort of stands around awkwardly and doesn’t really get involved but as the camera pans across he waves his arms about a bit and makes some vaguely threatening noises but no one really takes notice and then it zooms back in to the real action and then you instantly forget you ever saw him? No? Well anyway, he was my idol growing up and I think I speak for the club when I say that I’m immensely proud that we were able to have a similar sort of impact on this year’s title race”.

Charlie Adam: a bit-part player on the pitch and on-screen