Less than a week after making the controversial decision to
effectively end Kevin Pietersen’s international career, Andrew Strauss has
further signalled his intent to rebuild trust amongst the England set-up by drafting
his mother into the squad for tomorrow’s first Test against New Zealand.
The former stodgy left-handed opener had cited ‘trust
issues’ as the main reason for Pietersen’s exclusion, seemingly forgetting that
‘KP’ was merely eyeing up a spot in the England middle-order, rather than
asking for his hand in marriage or even playing one of those annoying teambuilding
exercises where you have to close your eyes and fall backwards in the hope your
colleague will catch you.
At a hastily-organised press conference in front of Mrs
Strauss’s current residence at the Great Missenden Support Centre for the
Elderly, the new Director of Cricket laid out the reasons for the selection: ‘The last 18 months have been a tumultuous
time for the England team, and it is my belief that the key foundation to
success is having a group of players who can be relied on to stick together
through thick and thin. Look at the Aussies – they all know that if one of them
ever gets into a scrap, Dave Warner will be straight in there looking to spark
people out. My mum may have had two hip replacements but there is no one I
would trust more to step up to the plate in times of need and make cakes for
the rest of the team, or keep up team morale during a long rain break with some
great stories about her book club nights with the girls.’
Andrew Strauss laughed off suggestions that England might pick players based on ability
‘Mummy’ is expected to open the batting with Alistair Cook,
meaning that there will be no place for prolific Yorkshireman Adam Lyth as
England continue their selection policy of heroically refusing to select anyone actually in form.
In other slightly conflicting news, Harry Redknapp has been made favourite to take
over as new England head coach whilst Strauss is rumoured to be on the verge of
offering seven zero-time Tour de France winner Lance Armstrong a role as
team dietician.
