Jordan Spieth loses the Ryder Cup

Masters runner-up Jordan Spieth's career could be over before it really started after a remarkable three days of golf culminated in him crumbling spectatularly under pressure to single-handedly gift the Ryder Cup to Europe. As the Europeans celebrated retaining the trophy, this blog decided to completely ignore the fact that the Ryder Cup is a team event and instead lay full blame at the 21 year old's doorstep in a vile and wholly unprovoked campaign designed solely to mentally destabilise one of Team USA's brightest young hopes.

Despite 2010 US Open champion Graeme McDowell sportingly giving him a three hole lead, Spieth still managed to royally screw everything up after a mental breakdown without precedent from someone purporting to be a top-class golfer. The sheer humiliation of making a couple of bogeys on the back 9 will no doubt haunt his dreams for ever more and shake his fragile confidence to such an extent that he is incapable of so much as looking at a golf tee without breaking into a cold sweat.

'A national embarrassment': American media has been harsh but fair on the disgraced ex-star

Whilst some so-called 'experts' may point out that the young debutant was in fact one of the stars of the first two days, and that Europe won by five clear points anyway, anyone with a modicum of golfing knowledge will recognise that his staggering lack of bottle on the final day was clearly the deciding factor in this year's tournament. The catastrophic blow to team morale was never more evident than when Hunter Mahan went in to full Speith mode on 18 and duffed a chip to hand a half point to Justin Rose, who in the immediate aftermath of the event was named World's Nicest Bloke for the twelfth consecutive year.

Elsewhere, in one of the other matches made pretty much irrelevant by Spieth's shameful display, Henrik Stenson was retrospectively awarded the win against obese moron Patrick Reed after the latter was given a 2-hole penalty for generally being an odious human being. The usually stoic Swede, who probably goes to bed cuddling his favoured 3-wood, added that he was 'moderately content' with the European victory and cracked at least a quarter of a smile in the largest display of emotion from a Scandinavian since Sven Goran Eriksson frowned in an interview in 2003.

Meanwhile, the South African cricket team was so impressed by that way Spieth choked that they have commissioned a Spieth family tree in order to explore the possibility of him having any South African heritage.

Alex Salmond named manager of soon-to-be independent Fulham

In an unexpected move, hopeless Fulham chairman Shahid Khan has today unveiled Alex Salmond as the club's new manager, with the Scot set to take charge of the London outfit for this Saturday's clash against Birmingham.

Penfold from Danger Mouse look-a-like and former boss Felix Magath was sacked last Thursday after a disastrous start to the new campaign which saw his side pick up only one point from seven games. Khan is said to be desperate to shake off the club's 'boring' image which saw them become almost everyone's second-favourite team by virtue of being so bloody inoffensive. Magath had been derided by large sections of the media as fans grew increasingly disgruntled with his antiquated methods, which included instructing Brede Hangeland to massage Dairylea Triangles into his injured groin, and playing Scott Parker.

Former manager Felix Magath cut an increasingly beleaguered figure on the Fulham bench

Whilst Salmond continues in a long line of bald, rotund Fulham managers (Jol, Magath etc), the appointment seems certain to bring about a marked change of direction for the ailing club. Although he lacks any relevant footballing experience, Salmond was said to be itching for a return to high-level public failure less than a week after his retirement from politics, and the club's owners are believed to be particularly impressed by his opening press conference, during which he revealed that 'the Scottish referendum malarkey was just a bit of a laugh and all I've ever wanted was to lead an independent Fulham to World Cup glory.'.

Having decided that democratic voting is, in fact, overrated, sources close to Salmond have hinted that he intends on unilaterally declaring the west London borough an independent republic by the end of the season, before invading England. Salmond has also promised to create 50,000 new jobs amongst the catering staff, launch his own space program which will see Hugo Rodallega be the first man to walk on the Sun, and insist on paying all future transfer fees in Scottish five pound notes. Meanwhile, Khan has pledged to use every last penny of his vast $4.3bn fortune to offer Lamborghinis to the FIFA World Cup selection committee, in a move completely unrelated to the news that Craven Cottage is now set to host the entirety of the 2026 World Cup.

Some experts believe that Alex Salmond has gone 'completely loco'

 

The new head coach is said to have beaten off stiff competition from an Aztec warlord whose plans to sacrifice youth team players in a pre-match ritual and relocate the club from its quaint riverside location to the ancient Mexican city of Technoctitlan failed to seduce the Fulham faithful.

In other news, the ghost of Michael Jackson has been named Head of Youth Development at the club, although parents are said to be slightly concerned at his intention to implement a strict one-touch philosophy for all kids' teams.

Manchester United favourites for 2014 British Comedy Awards

Thanks to a string of hilarious performances over the past few weeks the Manchester United defence has emerged as a surprise frontrunner for the 2014 British Comedy Awards.

After a breathtaking meltdown live on Sky Sports 1 at the weekend bookmakers have made the new faces of northern comedy 5-3 favourites for the honour, with Jonny Evans, Marcos Rojo and Tyler Blackett's impersonations of half-decent footballers bringing tears of joy to the eyes of those watching. For years trips to the so-called Theatre of Dreams were anything but a laughing matter as United systematically crushed the spirit of anyone foolish enough to pay £50 to sit in the away end. However, the appointment of Dutchman Louis van Gaal as Head Crackpot has led to a complete overhaul and most notably the introduction of a revolutionary slapstick routine dubbed by experts as '3-5-2'.

Manchester United legend Ryan Giggs laughed so hard he cried

The move has proven particularly popular with comedy aficionados in the Liverpool area, and legendary Italian mischief maker Mario Balotelli elegantly captured the public mood with a tweet of 'LOL'. Whilst there were strong performances throughout, special mention must go to Blackett, a 20-year old local boy previously unheard of even by his own mother who now looks odds-on to clinch the Best Newcomer Award, and Van Gaal himself for taking a deadpan approach to a whole new level by having a face that uncannily resembles the aforementioned pan.