Today's article is brought to you by guest writer Mark Ablett
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In sensational news today, Jurgen Klopp has unveiled Liverpool’s latest tactic to seek to fulfil the legacy of the dominant Reds of the 1970s and 1980s - to pretend that the team is still in fact in the 1970s and 1980s.
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In sensational news today, Jurgen Klopp has unveiled Liverpool’s latest tactic to seek to fulfil the legacy of the dominant Reds of the 1970s and 1980s - to pretend that the team is still in fact in the 1970s and 1980s.
The ruggedly adorable German laughed amiably throughout this
morning’s press conference at Melwood, speaking with his usual clarity: “Well you know, ha, I think, ha, that uhh if
we think about the past, the past is very good, we like the past, it is nice,
like a sandwich, ha, and if you put smoked beef in the sandwich is even better,
you know, then I think that ha, it will be like a different piece of bread, and
bread is good energy, and energy is what we need for the gegenpressing, and
well… John Barnes is like a dill pickle.” (Editor: this
quotation had to be abbreviated, because otherwise this article would be so
long you would definitely not still be reading it.)
Klopp looking confused by something, probably himself
In order to further this new tactic, Klopp, financially
backed by Boston-based FSG, has brought in a few new additions to his coaching
team to ensure his message is carried through. Speaking to the media for the
first time today, Barry Gibb of the Bee Gees said he was looking forward to
ensuring the team had a strong knowledge of the 1970s and he could not wait to
start working with fellow new coach, Boy George. In other news, rumours are
already circulating that new youth coach Gary Glitter has been suspended after
just one coaching session.
Klopp, in keeping with his total football approach, has
demanded full commitment from his players and imposed a dress code at Melwood.
Speaking to Come on Sport, Roberto Firmino explained: “the gaffer told us that if we arrive to training in anything other than
flares, he will send us home with a two week suspension.”
Joining the Brazilian, captain Jordan Henderson mumbled in
his Wearside warble: “the boss makes
Bobby stand by the entrance and he gets Jon Flanagan to point lights at his
teeth and then we all dance into training like Saturday Night Fever. Not only
is this great because we use Bobby as a human disco ball, its great man
management because it makes Flanno feel like he’s not completely wasting his existence
at the club.”
Upon hearing this explanation, Firmino smiled broadly,
leaving Henderson partially blinded and our reporter near-comatose.
Having recovered, our reporter spoke to the director of
transfers at Liverpool, Nigel O. Clew, who had just returned to the job from the
Royal Liverpool Hospital after being clinically diagnosed with a severe
allergy to signing competent defenders. Mr N.O. Clew told our reporter that
they were eyeing up the right kind of transfer targets to fit with Klopp’s new
vision: “we’re looking at all the options
of course. The dream would be to follow the gaffer’s plan to pretend it is the
1970s and 1980s by simply re-signing the legends from that time.”
The success of this transfer strategy remains to be seen. It
is possible that fielding players like John Barnes, who is now wider than he is
tall, or Kenny Dalglish, who now draws his state pension, would have the
necessary surprise element to hoodwink more tactically astute managers. It is
also possible it could be bollocks.
