In what can best be described as a literary arms race, Prior today stunningly hit back at criticism in Pietersen's imaginatively entitled autobiography 'KP' by releasing his own book only hours after the former was published. Swashbuckling South African-born batsman/part-time pie chucker Pietersen had most notably accused Prior of 'bullying' other players, such as not-so-swashbuckling South-African-born batsman/inveterate gum chewer Jonthan Trott, and running the dressing room along with other eminent figures of the bowling attack. Clearly riled by the accusations levelled at him, Prior has wasted no time in replying and has launched a sensational series of counter-claims which basically mean no-one has the foggiest idea what the hell is going on any more and can we please just get back to playing some proper cricket again and none of this new-fangled Twenty20 rubbish where people like Luke Wright look half-decent but real cricket where no one scores at more than two an over and then it all ends in a draw anyway? Thanks.
Conscious to avoid any possible litigation, Prior does not directly mention Pietersen in his publication, however frequent references to the cryptically named 'Kaypee' and his decision to name the book Shut Up Kev You Absolute Muppet leave the reader in little doubt as to the target of his ire. Amongst other startling allegations, Prior reveals the origins of his self-appointed nickname 'Big Cheese' (referred to scathingly by Pietersen in his autobiography) by claiming that his use of the term was nothing more than an attempt at self-deprecation after Pietersen dubbed him 'Edam Head' in reference to his big, round, shiny, bald head.
The Prior family tree, by Kevin Pietersen
Prior also lifts the lid on the infamous 'windowgate' incident, where he allegedly smashed a window of the Lords pavilion with his bat after a cheap dismissal: 'The reality is that on that particular afternoon, Kaypee's ego swelled to such a size within the changing room that there was nowhere else for it to go other than through that window. However, after he threatened to tie me to a chair and make me watch a video of a Geoff Boycott double century in its entirety (a solid 30 hours' worth of footage), I had no choice but to take the blame on his behalf. True story.'
Having initially been dropped from the England squad in 2012 after details of texts he had sent to the South Africa team criticising then-skipper Andrew Strauss were released, Prior's book also reveals the full extent of the close rapport Pietersen held with his South African counterparts. It is alleged that Pietersen once dropped a catch off Graeme Smith because he was too busy sending Smith a selfie on Snapchat with the caption 'watch out for the inswinger', and that he also had a to-scale drawing of Hashim Amla's beard tattooed onto his backside after losing a drunken bet.
Despite this, Pietersen does not appear to be about to back down in the argument, and straight away announced details of a sequel so self-indulgent that he isn't even bothering to give it a title. In extracts leaked to this blog, the former England batsman:
- Explains how the entire squad greeted him after one innings by whistling the Zimbabwean national anthem, leading him to question his own origins and indeed his very own being in a state of panic and confusion;
- Recalls how Andy Flower made him write 'I shall not slog sweep a length ball down deep backward square leg's throat when my side are teetering at 39-5' one hundred times on the dressing room wall after last winter's Sydney Ashes Test;
- Calls upon cricketing historians the world over to reconsider the unanimous view that Don Bradman was the greatest cricketer of all time: 'A Test average of of 99.94 is decent, granted, but how many times has he slogged a Bangladeshi off-spinner over cow corner for six in a meaningless IPL encounter?'.
We hear you Kevin, we hear you.
'The Don': Couldn't hack it in the IPL
