‘Build the wall’ was just a defensive set-piece strategy, claims Trump ahead of US-Mexico football clash

Misogynistic, racist bellend Newly-elected leader of the Greatest Country on Earth™ Donald Trump has already appeared to backtrack on one of his key election promises, after announcing that his commitment to building a wall between the USA and Mexico was simply a reference to Team USA’s defensive set-piece strategy for Friday's World Cup qualifier with their Latin neighbours.

Wary of Mexican forward Giovani dos Santos’s dead ball ability, Trump has already taken a hardline approach to countering the former Tottenham Hotspur flop legend’s threat from free-kicks.

‘We’re gonna build a wall like no other team has built a wall before. I know other teams have built a wall but this wall is gonna be so huge, sooo huge, there’s no chance those Mexicans will ever manage to kick the ball into our goalbag from a free shoot. I’m talking eleven, twelve, even fifteen big, strong all-American heroes standing in this wall, and it’s gonna be awesome. So awesome. And we’re going to go straight up the other end and score so, so many goals, and we’re going to be winning so bigly by the end that there’ll be nothing they can do about it.’

Mexican coach Juan Carlos Osorio confirmed that contrary to Trump’s claims, the Mexican players would not be assisting their American counterparts in constructing an orderly wall on the edge of the penalty area and suggested they could perhaps learn the rules of football themselves.

Donald Trump did not take kindly to being explained how the sport works

Tottenham set to win FIFA Fair Play Award after kicking seven bells out of Chelsea

Despite seeing their title hopes ended following a 2-2 draw at London rivals Chelsea on Monday, Tottenham Hotspur still look set to clinch their first bit of silverware under Mauricio Pochettino after being nominated for the FIFA Fair Play Award. The north London outfit picked up a record nine yellow cards at Stamford Bridge after a series of reckless tackles and were applauded by pundits the world over for showing absolutely zero concern for the well-being of their opponents.

Despite the much-coveted prize not traditionally being awarded until the end of the season, new FIFA boss Gianni Infantino dropped a strong hint that this year’s competition was merely a formality after such a passionate and spectacular display of studs-up artistry. Speaking at a press conference in Panama City, the Swiss egg-lookalike extolled the virtues of this young Spurs team, saying that “the Fair Play Award was designed as a recognition of exemplary behaviour, and given that there are about seven billion people in this world who would love nothing more than to needlessly mow down Cesc Fabregas on the halfway line it would be remiss of us not to champion their efforts. Chelsea are the skidmark on the pants of world football and Tottenham's efforts to eradicate them from the face of the earth simply cannot go unnoticed.”

Gianni Infantino was generous in his praise of Tottenham

Maurading left-back Danny Rose set the tone early on with a robust challenge on Willian, provoking a touchline scuffle during which Diego Costa appeared to headbutt Mousa Dembélé’s finger. Eric Dier then went on a one-man destroying mission, scything down Eden Hazard as he was running at the Tottenham defence before launching himself with both feet at Fabregas’s shins in a robust but fair challenge which left the little Spanish weasel writhing in agony. Ryan Mason capped a sparkling cameo appearance with a last-ditch raking of Hazard’s achilles in the dying embers of the game. 

Pochettino initially appeared disappointed that his inexperienced team had succumbed to Chelsea’s obvious baiting, however seemed to have changed his mind when pushed on the subject on the morning following the match. "In the heat of the moment I perhaps said some things that I shouldn’t have", opined the former Argentinian hatchetman on Tuesday. "However, having had time to reflect and re-watch some of the incidents it became apparent that Chelsea are basically just a massive bunch of wankers and, well, fuck them. Fuck them all".

The only sour note for Tottenham was Toby Alderweireld’s failure to pick up a booking from referee Mark Clattenburg, and the defender now looks certain to be disciplined by his club. Pochettino was understandably reluctant to discuss internal matters but admitted that "when even Christian Eriksen, the most inoffensive human to have ever existed, gets cautioned by the referee, you’ve got to be asking yourself how a strapping 6 foot 2 Belgian with an undercut hairstyle so extreme it’s illegal in 63 countries manages to avoid getting his name in the book".

Chelsea to organise open-top bus parade after heroic point at home to Tottenham

Chelsea Football Club have announced an open-top bus parade along the Kings Road after clinching a stunning draw at home to Tottenham Hotspur which mathematically assures the west London side of a top-thirteen finish.

In a glorious denouement to a disappointing season in which the club mounted the worst title defence in the history of professional sport, Eden Hazard curled in an equaliser with seven minutes left on the clock to send roughly forty thousand knuckle-draggers into a state of wild delirium at Stamford Bridge last night.

A beaming Guus Hiddink lauded his team’s efforts immediately after the match as captain John Terry danced behind him in full Leicester kit whilst Diego Costa punched a small child and Russian owner Roman Abramovich sacrificed several thousand goats in the centre circle in order to honour the miraculous levels of irrelevance which the club has achieved this year.

MISSING GOAT: last seen being manhandled by a stocky Russian man in Fulham on Monday night

“This club’s entire pointless existence has been based on trying to get people to care a bit about us”, the palpably emotional Dutchman declared during an on-pitch interview as We Are The Champions (Mid-Table Remix) blared out through the PA. “We won the Champions League in 2012 and still no-one noticed, but getting a late, undeserved equaliser against a team that haven’t beaten us at home for 26 years will finally write these players’ names in the history books” he added, before breaking off into tears as his charges dowsed him in champagne bought with the blood of Siberian orphans.

Whilst the nation took great pleasure in Chelsea being woeful for a couple of months in the autumn, everyone had largely forgotten they existed since Jose Mourinho left and took his acute narcissistic paranoia with him. Some would point out that Tottenham have dropped a total of 38 points this season, notably losing at home to Newcastle and drawing with Stoke despite leading 2-0 after 80 minutes, however the Blues have lost no time in trying to get someone to pay attention to them by attempting to convince the world that they are the sole reason why Spurs did not ultimately manage to overhaul Leicester in their bid to win the Premier League for the first time.

Hazard summed up the feeling around the club perfectly after the match, his voice trembling with sentiment: “When I was growing up, I used to love watching Lord of the Rings. You know that scene in The Two Towers where there’s that massive battle in Helm’s Deep with millions of orcs, and then it zooms out and there’s this one little orc standing somewhere near the back…sort of looks like Charlie Adam…yeah, so he sort of stands around awkwardly and doesn’t really get involved but as the camera pans across he waves his arms about a bit and makes some vaguely threatening noises but no one really takes notice and then it zooms back in to the real action and then you instantly forget you ever saw him? No? Well anyway, he was my idol growing up and I think I speak for the club when I say that I’m immensely proud that we were able to have a similar sort of impact on this year’s title race”.

Charlie Adam: a bit-part player on the pitch and on-screen