The end of the world as we know it: A short story

12 May 2019, 3:00pm

The world sits still and unites in prayer. Surely, this can’t happen? Not now, not today? We thought it was over, we thought we’d never have to live through something like this again.

Decades had passed, decades during which hope blossomed, virtue prevailed, and all was right with the world. We can only imagine the pain our parents suffered, but as a new generation grew older the terrible memories faded into the past. There was a new world order now, we had been at peace for so long, so how had it come to this?

To remind us of the horrors of yesteryear we had only photographs and grainy black and white footage. It all seemed so far away, a bygone era where battles were played out on cold, muddy fields by men sporting thick, heavy uniforms, the scars of which had taken so long to heal but now felt so distant.

Back in the day, news travelled slowly, but this is a new era, of course. Technology has changed everything. Families gather together on the sofa in front of their high-definition television sets, students desperately search for a decent online stream from their university halls, whilst some of the older generation are sat in their kitchens listening to their radios, all following this afternoon’s events with grim fascination as they unfold.

As hostilities commence, it all seems eerily familiar. The weathered face of the German general contorts into a snarl as he barks orders at his men; he’s seen it all before, but never with so much at stake. Young men, some of them barely out of their adolescence, hurl themselves into the heart of the action with not a second’s hesitation. They have their orders, they know their destiny is in their hands, and to give anything less than their all would be the ultimate betrayal to those for whom today means so much.

12 May 2019, 4.47pm

Deadlock. Over an hour and a half of intense combat and neither side has yielded an inch. Bodies are bruised, legs and minds are heavy, and some men have already fallen by the wayside. Yet still they fight, still they continue. It’s not over until it’s over.

And suddenly, amongst the chaos, amongst the mass of bodies, one brave English soldier stands alone, seemingly forgotten by those around him. This soldier is one of a dying breed, his clean-cut features and finely-coiffed side parting a throwback to simpler times. He’s the kind of person every man wants on his side, ready to do the dirty work and loyal to the end.

This is it. This is his moment. He pulls the trigger and time stands still. Silence. Silence.

Fifty thousand blood-curdling screams as he hits his mark.

12 May 2019, 4.48pm

The whistle blows. Liverpool have just won the league at Anfield. And Jordan Henderson of all people has scored a last-minute winner.

Fuck’s sake.

THE END

Liverpool to reclaim history, literally

Today's article is brought to you by guest writer Mark Ablett

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In sensational news today, Jurgen Klopp has unveiled Liverpool’s latest tactic to seek to fulfil the legacy of the dominant Reds of the 1970s and 1980s - to pretend that the team is still in fact in the 1970s and 1980s.

The ruggedly adorable German laughed amiably throughout this morning’s press conference at Melwood, speaking with his usual clarity: “Well you know, ha, I think, ha, that uhh if we think about the past, the past is very good, we like the past, it is nice, like a sandwich, ha, and if you put smoked beef in the sandwich is even better, you know, then I think that ha, it will be like a different piece of bread, and bread is good energy, and energy is what we need for the gegenpressing, and well… John Barnes is like a dill pickle.” (Editor: this quotation had to be abbreviated, because otherwise this article would be so long you would definitely not still be reading it.)

Klopp looking confused by something, probably himself

In order to further this new tactic, Klopp, financially backed by Boston-based FSG, has brought in a few new additions to his coaching team to ensure his message is carried through. Speaking to the media for the first time today, Barry Gibb of the Bee Gees said he was looking forward to ensuring the team had a strong knowledge of the 1970s and he could not wait to start working with fellow new coach, Boy George. In other news, rumours are already circulating that new youth coach Gary Glitter has been suspended after just one coaching session.

Klopp, in keeping with his total football approach, has demanded full commitment from his players and imposed a dress code at Melwood. Speaking to Come on Sport, Roberto Firmino explained: “the gaffer told us that if we arrive to training in anything other than flares, he will send us home with a two week suspension.”

Joining the Brazilian, captain Jordan Henderson mumbled in his Wearside warble: “the boss makes Bobby stand by the entrance and he gets Jon Flanagan to point lights at his teeth and then we all dance into training like Saturday Night Fever. Not only is this great because we use Bobby as a human disco ball, its great man management because it makes Flanno feel like he’s not completely wasting his existence at the club.”

Upon hearing this explanation, Firmino smiled broadly, leaving Henderson partially blinded and our reporter near-comatose.

 Blinding: Roberto Firmino’s luminous teeth

Having recovered, our reporter spoke to the director of transfers at Liverpool, Nigel O. Clew, who had just returned to the job from the Royal Liverpool Hospital after being clinically diagnosed with a severe allergy to signing competent defenders. Mr N.O. Clew told our reporter that they were eyeing up the right kind of transfer targets to fit with Klopp’s new vision: “we’re looking at all the options of course. The dream would be to follow the gaffer’s plan to pretend it is the 1970s and 1980s by simply re-signing the legends from that time.”

The success of this transfer strategy remains to be seen. It is possible that fielding players like John Barnes, who is now wider than he is tall, or Kenny Dalglish, who now draws his state pension, would have the necessary surprise element to hoodwink more tactically astute managers. It is also possible it could be bollocks.

When asked for his comment, Jamie Carragher told Come on Sport “ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhgghghghghghghghgh”. Unfortunately, Come on Sport’s Scouse interpreter is off sick so we have no idea what Jamie meant. 

No charges over mystery package as UK Anti-Doping confirms Bradley Wiggins is a top bloke

There will be no charges over a 'mystery' medical package delivered to Sir Bradley Wiggins at the Criterium du Dauphine in 2011, says UK Anti-Doping (UKAD), following an investigation into wrongdoing at British Cycling and Team Sky which revealed that the 2013 Tour de France winner was definitely not a drug cheat but merely a loveable rogue.

In a poll run by UKAD on social media, cycling fans nationwide voted overwhelmingly in favour of Wiggins being officially recognised as a ‘top bloke’ in the Queen’s New Year’s honours list and the whole sordid affair being swept under the carpet.

“Look, Wiggo is a national hero” a UKAD spokesperson was quoted as saying. “He’s got the sideburns, he wears leather jackets, he listens to 80s prog rock. He rang an absolutely enormous bell at the Olympic opening ceremony, for goodness' sake. That was sick. He’s just such a quintessential British cheeky chappy, we couldn’t possibly punish him for what is essentially some classic high jinks involving a cardboard box and some fluimucil." 

“Of course, if it had been that traitorous Kenyan Chris Froome we’d have chucked him straight in prison, no questions asked", the spokesperson added.

Sir Bradley Wiggins: a bit of a rascal but 100% definitely maybe nothing more sinister

Mark Noble announces international retirement, Southgate completely unperturbed

Mark Noble has announced his retirement from international duty, leaving England manager Gareth Southgate with no selection headache whatsoever.

Sources close to Noble indicate that he was confident of receiving a first England call-up for the match against Brazil on Tuesday, after a spate of injuries to key players had obliged Southgate to name a new-look squad for the latest set of international friendlies.

However, the ruddy-faced, Championship-standard hatchetman’s dreams were left in tatters as he realised that he was, and always had been, absolutely nowhere near the England squad, with Southgate instead announcing an England debut for Crawley Town’s 38-year old veteran midfielder Dannie Bulman.

Mark Noble struck a familiar pose after seeing the England squad

Fresh from this latest and entirely predictable disappointment, Noble announced his retirement at a hastily-organised press conference, in what appears to have been a desperate plea for relevance in a world that had more or less forgotten that he existed.

The hot-headed plodder read out a short statement in front of a completely indifferent media, reaffirming his desire to ‘concentrate on delivering entirely inconsequential performances at the heart of a flimsy West Ham midfield, as we continue our inexorable descent into the murky depths of the Championship’.

Pressed for his thoughts on the matter, a nonplussed Southgate admitted he had never heard of Noble, adding that he was happy with the depth of England’s talent pool and was keeping tabs on a number of midfield options such as Serge from Kasabian.

Urge for Serge: Southgate to monitor Leicester rocker in the run-up to the World Cup

‘Build the wall’ was just a defensive set-piece strategy, claims Trump ahead of US-Mexico football clash

Misogynistic, racist bellend Newly-elected leader of the Greatest Country on Earth™ Donald Trump has already appeared to backtrack on one of his key election promises, after announcing that his commitment to building a wall between the USA and Mexico was simply a reference to Team USA’s defensive set-piece strategy for Friday's World Cup qualifier with their Latin neighbours.

Wary of Mexican forward Giovani dos Santos’s dead ball ability, Trump has already taken a hardline approach to countering the former Tottenham Hotspur flop legend’s threat from free-kicks.

‘We’re gonna build a wall like no other team has built a wall before. I know other teams have built a wall but this wall is gonna be so huge, sooo huge, there’s no chance those Mexicans will ever manage to kick the ball into our goalbag from a free shoot. I’m talking eleven, twelve, even fifteen big, strong all-American heroes standing in this wall, and it’s gonna be awesome. So awesome. And we’re going to go straight up the other end and score so, so many goals, and we’re going to be winning so bigly by the end that there’ll be nothing they can do about it.’

Mexican coach Juan Carlos Osorio confirmed that contrary to Trump’s claims, the Mexican players would not be assisting their American counterparts in constructing an orderly wall on the edge of the penalty area and suggested they could perhaps learn the rules of football themselves.

Donald Trump did not take kindly to being explained how the sport works

Tottenham set to win FIFA Fair Play Award after kicking seven bells out of Chelsea

Despite seeing their title hopes ended following a 2-2 draw at London rivals Chelsea on Monday, Tottenham Hotspur still look set to clinch their first bit of silverware under Mauricio Pochettino after being nominated for the FIFA Fair Play Award. The north London outfit picked up a record nine yellow cards at Stamford Bridge after a series of reckless tackles and were applauded by pundits the world over for showing absolutely zero concern for the well-being of their opponents.

Despite the much-coveted prize not traditionally being awarded until the end of the season, new FIFA boss Gianni Infantino dropped a strong hint that this year’s competition was merely a formality after such a passionate and spectacular display of studs-up artistry. Speaking at a press conference in Panama City, the Swiss egg-lookalike extolled the virtues of this young Spurs team, saying that “the Fair Play Award was designed as a recognition of exemplary behaviour, and given that there are about seven billion people in this world who would love nothing more than to needlessly mow down Cesc Fabregas on the halfway line it would be remiss of us not to champion their efforts. Chelsea are the skidmark on the pants of world football and Tottenham's efforts to eradicate them from the face of the earth simply cannot go unnoticed.”

Gianni Infantino was generous in his praise of Tottenham

Maurading left-back Danny Rose set the tone early on with a robust challenge on Willian, provoking a touchline scuffle during which Diego Costa appeared to headbutt Mousa Dembélé’s finger. Eric Dier then went on a one-man destroying mission, scything down Eden Hazard as he was running at the Tottenham defence before launching himself with both feet at Fabregas’s shins in a robust but fair challenge which left the little Spanish weasel writhing in agony. Ryan Mason capped a sparkling cameo appearance with a last-ditch raking of Hazard’s achilles in the dying embers of the game. 

Pochettino initially appeared disappointed that his inexperienced team had succumbed to Chelsea’s obvious baiting, however seemed to have changed his mind when pushed on the subject on the morning following the match. "In the heat of the moment I perhaps said some things that I shouldn’t have", opined the former Argentinian hatchetman on Tuesday. "However, having had time to reflect and re-watch some of the incidents it became apparent that Chelsea are basically just a massive bunch of wankers and, well, fuck them. Fuck them all".

The only sour note for Tottenham was Toby Alderweireld’s failure to pick up a booking from referee Mark Clattenburg, and the defender now looks certain to be disciplined by his club. Pochettino was understandably reluctant to discuss internal matters but admitted that "when even Christian Eriksen, the most inoffensive human to have ever existed, gets cautioned by the referee, you’ve got to be asking yourself how a strapping 6 foot 2 Belgian with an undercut hairstyle so extreme it’s illegal in 63 countries manages to avoid getting his name in the book".

Chelsea to organise open-top bus parade after heroic point at home to Tottenham

Chelsea Football Club have announced an open-top bus parade along the Kings Road after clinching a stunning draw at home to Tottenham Hotspur which mathematically assures the west London side of a top-thirteen finish.

In a glorious denouement to a disappointing season in which the club mounted the worst title defence in the history of professional sport, Eden Hazard curled in an equaliser with seven minutes left on the clock to send roughly forty thousand knuckle-draggers into a state of wild delirium at Stamford Bridge last night.

A beaming Guus Hiddink lauded his team’s efforts immediately after the match as captain John Terry danced behind him in full Leicester kit whilst Diego Costa punched a small child and Russian owner Roman Abramovich sacrificed several thousand goats in the centre circle in order to honour the miraculous levels of irrelevance which the club has achieved this year.

MISSING GOAT: last seen being manhandled by a stocky Russian man in Fulham on Monday night

“This club’s entire pointless existence has been based on trying to get people to care a bit about us”, the palpably emotional Dutchman declared during an on-pitch interview as We Are The Champions (Mid-Table Remix) blared out through the PA. “We won the Champions League in 2012 and still no-one noticed, but getting a late, undeserved equaliser against a team that haven’t beaten us at home for 26 years will finally write these players’ names in the history books” he added, before breaking off into tears as his charges dowsed him in champagne bought with the blood of Siberian orphans.

Whilst the nation took great pleasure in Chelsea being woeful for a couple of months in the autumn, everyone had largely forgotten they existed since Jose Mourinho left and took his acute narcissistic paranoia with him. Some would point out that Tottenham have dropped a total of 38 points this season, notably losing at home to Newcastle and drawing with Stoke despite leading 2-0 after 80 minutes, however the Blues have lost no time in trying to get someone to pay attention to them by attempting to convince the world that they are the sole reason why Spurs did not ultimately manage to overhaul Leicester in their bid to win the Premier League for the first time.

Hazard summed up the feeling around the club perfectly after the match, his voice trembling with sentiment: “When I was growing up, I used to love watching Lord of the Rings. You know that scene in The Two Towers where there’s that massive battle in Helm’s Deep with millions of orcs, and then it zooms out and there’s this one little orc standing somewhere near the back…sort of looks like Charlie Adam…yeah, so he sort of stands around awkwardly and doesn’t really get involved but as the camera pans across he waves his arms about a bit and makes some vaguely threatening noises but no one really takes notice and then it zooms back in to the real action and then you instantly forget you ever saw him? No? Well anyway, he was my idol growing up and I think I speak for the club when I say that I’m immensely proud that we were able to have a similar sort of impact on this year’s title race”.

Charlie Adam: a bit-part player on the pitch and on-screen

Andrew Strauss’s mother called up for NZ series as England look to rebuild trust

Less than a week after making the controversial decision to effectively end Kevin Pietersen’s international career, Andrew Strauss has further signalled his intent to rebuild trust amongst the England set-up by drafting his mother into the squad for tomorrow’s first Test against New Zealand.

The former stodgy left-handed opener had cited ‘trust issues’ as the main reason for Pietersen’s exclusion, seemingly forgetting that ‘KP’ was merely eyeing up a spot in the England middle-order, rather than asking for his hand in marriage or even playing one of those annoying teambuilding exercises where you have to close your eyes and fall backwards in the hope your colleague will catch you.

At a hastily-organised press conference in front of Mrs Strauss’s current residence at the Great Missenden Support Centre for the Elderly, the new Director of Cricket laid out the reasons for the selection: ‘The last 18 months have been a tumultuous time for the England team, and it is my belief that the key foundation to success is having a group of players who can be relied on to stick together through thick and thin. Look at the Aussies – they all know that if one of them ever gets into a scrap, Dave Warner will be straight in there looking to spark people out. My mum may have had two hip replacements but there is no one I would trust more to step up to the plate in times of need and make cakes for the rest of the team, or keep up team morale during a long rain break with some great stories about her book club nights with the girls.’

Andrew Strauss laughed off suggestions that England might pick players based on ability

‘Mummy’ is expected to open the batting with Alistair Cook, meaning that there will be no place for prolific Yorkshireman Adam Lyth as England continue their selection policy of heroically refusing to select anyone actually in form.

In other slightly conflicting news, Harry Redknapp has been made favourite to take over as new England head coach whilst Strauss is rumoured to be on the verge of offering seven zero-time Tour de France winner Lance Armstrong a role as team dietician.

Spurs flop Soldado dropped over involvement in alien conspiracy

Spurs misfit Roberto Soldado has sensationally been dropped from the squad for Sunday’s League Cup final, sources close to the club have revealed, after head coach Maurico Pochettino discovered that he was an alien from the planet Zorg sent to Earth solely to destroy Tottenham Hotspur Football Club.

Suspicions were initially raised by members of the backroom staff after Spurs’ 2-2 draw with West Ham at the weekend, when the Spanish international was seen leaving White Hart Lane in an flying saucer rather than the team bus preferred by more human members of the squad such as Ben Davies. Much was initially expected from the former fox-in-the-box after Tottenham signed him from Valencia in 2013 in a deal which could have risen to £26m with add-ons but ultimately probably didn’t cost much more than 20 pesetas and a bowl of paella given his startling failure to actually contribute anything meaningful.

Soldado waiting to be beamed up after the West Ham game

Shockingly, it would seem that Soldado’s career and indeed the entire Spanish league was nothing more than a facade designed to lure chairman Daniel Levy into splashing the cash, thus playing right into the hands of his masters. In his post-match press conference, Pochettino had evoked doubts as to the true species of the striker, but clearly the goal-shy forward had been well-briefed on his mission, expertly mixing up the occasional sweetly struck penalty with glaring misses for eighteen months so as not to sound too many alarm bells. However, after he failed to complete a simple two-yard pass to Nacer Chadli for what would have been an open goal in Thursday’s 2-0 defeat against Fiorentina, Spurs personnel were put on full alert, and eventually caught Soldado red-handed when he was found peeling off his own face in the toilets after the game to reveal something vaguely resembling Jonjo Shelvey.

Whilst for the time being it is unclear why aliens would be so intent on ruining the club, these developments also cast doubt over the forces acting behind certain other unfortunate moments in Tottenham’s history, such as Kyle Naughton’s presence in the matchday squad throughout most of last season. Extra-terrestrial sightings have become a more frequent occurrence in the Premier League in recent years, most notably the brief appearance of Gabriel Obertan at Manchester United, and vigilence levels have been raised at other clubs throughout the division as result.

Alien life from the planet Obertan                                      A second-rate French winger

Meanwhile, having just seen his side get knocked out of Europe, Pochettino preferred to take the positives, claiming that going out of the Europa League would be a blessing in disguise as it would allow his team to concentrate on its main aim of qualifying for the Europa League. ‘Europa League qualification is the ultimate prize for most of these players’, opined the master Argentinian tactician. ‘The Europa League is a bit of a distraction for most of these players, so I’m not too fussed about going out of the Europa League as long as it means we have the best chance possible of getting back into the Europa League next year’.

ICC Cricket World Cup 2015: A team-by-team guide

2015 promises to be a World Cup like no other. With new bowler-unfriendly fielding restrictions in place, run rates are set to rocket, and as IPL-honed batsmen bring become ever more innovative, expect to see more single-handed reverse smashes and switch-foot defensive sweeps than ever before.

This year's format, with 2 pools of 7 teams each playing each other once, mean that cricket lovers all around the globe will be treated to even more meaningless one-sided group encounters, before we get down to real business in the knockout stages.  Once again, 4 associate (non Test-playing) nations will get the opportunity to try and cause a shock, although there is no place this time for the South Africa B team, also known as the Netherlands.

In the guide below, we have weighed up the prospects of each of the 14 nations participating in this year's tournament, and pinpointed the players worth keeping an eye on:

Pool A

Afghanistan

Afghanistan come into the tournament with serious big-match pedigree having beaten the mighty Hong Kong in last year’s World Twenty20, before losing to, err, Nepal. The rise of Afghanistan as a cricketing nation is fairly remarkable given that the national side was only formed 14 years ago after the fall of the Taliban, whose appalling failure to promote grassroots cricket was no doubt a catalyst for George W. Bush’s decision to launch a full-scale war in the country. Afghanistan recorded its first ever victory against a Test-playing nation when they beat Bangladesh in the 2014 Asia Cup, and is generally considered to be the most competitive of the associate nations along with Ireland.

Player to watch: Shapoor Zadran – With his dark, flowing locks and exuberant celebrations, Zadran bears an uncanny resemblance to former Pakistan paceman Shoaib Akhtar, if Shoaib bowled in slow motion. He is one of three Zadrans in the squad but we didn’t care enough to find out whether any of them are related.

 Shapoor Zadran: Might have a couple of brothers. Might not.

Prediction: Beat Scotland in the battle of the minnows but fail to win another game. The game against New Zealand gets suspended for 15 minutes as groundstaff desperately search for Shapoor Zadran’s eyeballs, which pop out after an overly aggressive fist pump.

Australia

Hands up who didn’t prefer it when Australia were a bit rubbish? You there, with your hand up. Go sit in the corner. Oh how we laughed for those few glorious years where, shorn of the golden era of McGrath, Warne, Gilchrist et al, the Aussies were but a shadow of their former selves, losing Ashes series like it was 1883. Unfortunately for all involved, Mitchell Johnson has gone from nervous wreck to wrecking ball, and Steve Smith has been transformed from a porcine-featured figure of fun to someone who still looks a lot like a pig but is pretty good at cricket, leaving the old enemy looking very smug indeed as they go into the tournament as favourites.

Player to watch: David Warner - the archetypal square-jawed convict, Australia’s favourite bogan loves winding up the opposition as much as pinch hitting at the top of the order. Worth an each-way bet to end up the tournament as either top scorer or in prison.

Prediction: Lose to a Ravi Bopara-inspired England by 300 runs in the group stages. End up as beaten finalists. David Warner gets a two-match suspension for fighting a kangaroo.

Steve Smith has been in fine form leading up to the tournament

Bangladesh 

Since gaining Test status in 2000, Bangladeshi cricket has failed to progress in the way they would have hoped and the team still finds itself floating somewhere in between the main test-playing nations and the associates. Their most recent result was a 5-0 series win against Zimbabwe, and they did beat New Zealand at home at the end of 2013, but have been on the receiving end of a few drubbings outside of Bangladesh and whether they can adapt to Australian conditions remains to be seen. As with the rest of the Asian teams, their batting is their stronger suit and they will be looking for big performances from players such as Tamim Iqbal and rising star Mominul Haque (averaging over 60 in his 12 Tests) in order to spring a surprise.

Player to watch: Shakib-al-Hasan - undoubtedly the best player ever produced by Bangladesh, the former captain comes into the World Cup as the leading all-rounder in the ICC rankings in all three formats; the first time this has been achieved. Last year he was banned for 3 ODIs for pointing towards his crotch during a live broadcast which is pretty hilarious and almost certainly against the spirit of cricket. 

Prediction: Lose their Test status midway through the first innings of their match against Afghanistan after a batting collapse, then regain it during the interval after strong resistance from the tail. Beat the two associate teams but still go out at the group stage. Shakib gets kicked out of the tournament for mooning Mitchell Starc during his run-up.

England 

Welcome to the brave new era of English one-day cricket. With the horribly out of nick Alastair Cook finally dropped only a few months before the World Cup, leadership of the side has been taken over by Eoin Morgan, who is not only Irish, but the only person in the England team even more horribly out of nick than the former captain. That said, the ECB didn’t have much choice, and Morgan, if he can find some touch, has the potential to be a match-winner for England. Indeed this new-look England batting line-up has a number of players with star potential (Ali, Buttler etc), and coupled with a strong-looking bowling attack, England have the ability to spring a surprise or two if everything clicks. Big if.

Player to watch: Moeen Ali – ‘The Beard that Is Feared’, ‘Golden Arm Moeen’, ‘The guy who looks a bit like Hashim Amla’; 2014 was a breakthrough year for the bearded wonder, and whilst his bowling having come on leaps and bounds, his wristy batting style has on a number of occasions been put to devastating effect. Needs to stop getting to 20-odd then slogging one down mid-wicket’s throat, mind you.

Prediction: England look encouraging in the group stages, then get absolutely hammered in the quarter final. Thousands descend upon the streets of London demanding the immediate reintroduction of Jade Dernbach to the squad. Chris Woakes tries really bloody hard and has nice hair.

New Zealand

For years, watching New Zealand was like watching a team full of (less ginger) Paul Collingwoods, with a plethora of bits and bobs players such as Scott Styris and Jacob Oram who were alright at batting, alright at bowling, and a touch above alright in the field. They punched above their weight as a team but never looked a serious threat for a trophy. Out of nowhere, however, the Kiwis are really good. Their batting line-up is now a serious threat, with three world-class batsmen in McCullum, Williamson and Taylor able to blow away the opposition, whilst Tim Southee and Trent Boult are currently one of the most potent new ball pairings in world cricket. In home conditions, expect them to do well.

Player to watch: Brendon McCullum – if he gets going, he can destroy any attack. Not to be confused with Nathan McCullum, his younger brother, who is much more a cricketer in the Collingwood mould (see above).

Prediction: Before the clash with England, New Zealand are the first international cricket team to perform the Haka. With Ross Taylor being the solitary Maori in the team, the rest of the players get in a muddle and the whole thing descends into farce. England try and imitate them but somehow end up Morris Dancing. New Zealand win the World Cup for the first time.

Paul Collingwood: Not from New Zealand

Scotland

One could argue that the Scottish cricket team is a perfect metaphor for what Scotland’s status on the world stage would have been had it voted for independence: completely irrelevant. The Scots have previously entered 2 World Cups and have lost every single game, although they did officially finish an encouraging 15th (out of 16 teams) in the 2007 edition. Dizzying heights indeed for a country who have only produced one half-decent player in their history, all-rounder Gavin Hamilton. Hamilton even managed to make it into the England team for one test in 1999, where he bagged a pair and failed to take a single wicket, putting him in the top 10 most successful Scottish sportsmen ever.

Player to watch: Colin McCoverdrive – a wholly fictional character, he probably couldn’t be any worse than anyone actually in the squad. Learnt his trade up in the Highlands with only a scotch egg for a ball.

Prediction: Scotland take to the field in kilts in attempt to distract the opposition batsmen. Despite the ICC offering to replace the stumps with cabers to give the Scottish bowlers more to aim at, they still lose every game.

Sri Lanka

Despite losing a recent series against New Zealand, Sri Lanka always remain a threat in the 50-over format, even outside of the subcontinent. Whilst the opening pair remains a concern, the middle-order of Sangakkara, Jayawardene and captain Angelo Matthews is formidable and in Lasith Malinga they possess one of the best death bowlers in ODI history. Rangana Herath is one of the top spinners in the world at the moment too, although whether the Australasian pitches will suit him remains to be seen.

Player to watch: Kumar Sangakkara – Seemingly age-defying, ‘Sanga’ keeps getting better and better the older he gets. Now 37, his career average is projected to be about a billion by the time of his 70th birthday if it continues at its current trajectory. He also keeps wicket, which makes him a shoo-in for any budding World Cup Fantasy Cricket players out there.  Has a law degree and is responsible for one of the greatest bits of sledging in cricket history:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PlFF98dM8sA

Prediction: Jayawardene and Sangakkara roll back the years and help their side top Pool A. By the end of the seemingly interminable group stage, both players reach their 100th birthday. The ICC then rules that using a walking stick for a bat is against World Cup regulations and suspends the duo for the semi-final, where Sri Lanka lose to New Zealand.

Pool B

India

In 2011, at their home World Cup, they were all-conquering, all-helicoptering (trademark M.S. Dhoni) and all-in-all pretty spectacular at cricket. Then half the team retired, including god amongst men (in India at least) Sachin Tendulkar, and now in 2015 we see a new-look Indian team searching for a new identity. The batting still looks strong, with Virat Kohli, one of the new breed of Indian superstars brought up on a diet of Twenty20 cricket, having recently made three centuries in his first three innings as Test captain. Expectations are far lower than 4 years ago after a fairly sobering few months during which they lost four consecutive Test series and failed to win a single game in the recent tri-series with England and Australia. Nevertheless, a 5-0 win against Sri Lanka was a reminder of their potential in ODIs if they can find a bit of form – and a decent fast bowler.

Player to watch: Rohit Sharma – less heralded than other players in the batting order, but anyone who can hit 264 in an ODI, as Sharma did at the end of 2014, is worth keeping an eye on.

Prediction: The top-order batsmen, all wearing Sachin Tendulkar masks, get in the groove and India post a couple of huge scores on their way to the semi-finals, where they get beaten by Australia in a thriller. Dhoni helicopters an overpitched ball so hard that he actually takes off.

Ireland

If any nation was going to have a chubby little fellow with hair as pink as his face as their talisman, it would be Ireland. Thanks to Kevin O’Brien’s heroics, the Irish created the shock of the 2011 World Cup by recovering from 111-5 to chase down 327 to defeat England in the group stage, although it is debatable whether the real shock is that Ireland won, or that England managed to score over 300 in the first place. Probably the best of the associate nations, Ireland will be looking to kill some more giants and qualify from the group for the first time.

Player to watch: Eoin Morgan...but if we’re going to be pedantic and choose someone who actually plays for Ireland, Ed Joyce is the man in form, having scored 7 centuries for Sussex in the County Championship last season. Joyce actually played for England in the 2007 World Cup, making him the most fickle man in world cricket.

Eoin Morgan: Proud to be Irish

Prediction: Ireland beat Zimbabwe, the UAE and the West Indies to reach the knockout stages. A lot of Guinness is drunk. A noticeably worse-for-wear Irish team lose in the quarters, but not before Ed Joyce’s bid to claim Sri Lankan nationality between innings is rejected.

Pakistan

No in-fighting, no allegations of match-fixing, no Inzamam to get run out in comical fashion – this year’s Pakistan side look positively boring in comparison to some of their predecessors. The appointment of 96 year-old (approximately) Misbah-Ul-Haq as captain has brought some much needed stability to this often troubled side, and the batting in particular has been in great form over the winter, with veteran Younis Khan scoring so many centuries that the ICC had to send him an official reprimand telling him to calm down. Their opening match, a mouth-watering and potentially explosive clash with rivals India, is eagerly anticipated by millions all over the subcontinent.

Player to watch: Shahid Afridi – he will be 35 by the time the tournament is over but Afridi is still Pakistan’s main man in ODIs. A swashbuckling lower-order batsman and more than useful leg-spinner, Pakistan fans will be hoping for fireworks from the man they call ‘Boom Boom’.

Preduction: A sedate Pakistan beat India in a low-key contest and generously refuse to celebrate victory with anything more than a firm handshake. They slip under the radar to top the group but lose in the quarter-finals with the minimum of fuss.

South Africa

Desperate to shake of their tag as perennial chokers, the Proteas come into this year’s tournament in ebullient moods after a complete dismantling of a struggling West Indies side in their most recent series. In Hashim Amla, they possess arguably the world’s best batsman. In Dale Steyn, arguably the world’s best bowler. In AB de Villiers, arguably the greatest human being the world has ever seen. The rest of the team isn’t bad either, with a strong, varied pace attack, and a number of young batsmen such as Rilee Roussow and Quinton de Kock (chuckle) starting to fulfil their potential. They’ll be tough to beat and no one would want to face them in the knockout rounds.

Player to watch: AB de Villiers – a remarkable specimen, de Villiers played rugby, tennis and hockey for South Africa at junior level. He also plays golf off scratch. He once outran a gazelle and swam (butterfly stroke) across the Arctic Ocean without even getting a bit cold. He has a very attractive wife and is also an extremely nice person. He also recently scored a century off 30 balls. Probably really good at bowling if he ever bothered to try.

Prediction: South Africa choke, lose to the UAE and go out at the group stage. AB de Villiers still manages to score 7 centuries in only 6 games and retires from cricket to start his own religion.

AB de Villiers (praise be unto him) saluting the onlooking mortals

UAE

The UAE make a World Cup appearance for the first time in 18 years, after their solitary appearance in 1996. They lost to Scotland in qualification, a low point in the country’s history, but recovered sufficiently to claim the final World Cup spot. They will be eyeing their opening fixtures against Zimbabwe and Ireland as an opportunity to register at least one victory, then may as well just give up and go the beach instead of inevitably getting obliterated in their next 4 games.

Player to watch: Saqlain Haider – we’d never heard of him before but he shares a first name with former world-class spinner turned devout Muslim Saqlain Mushtaq so who knows, maybe he’ll surprise us all by bowling a googly (unlikely, he’s a wicketkeeper), or by growing great facial hair (unlikely, he looks about 12).

Prediction: Kevin Pietersen signs up for Emirati nationality on a rolling one-week contract but cannot prevent his new franchise from going out at the group stage.

West Indies

Poor Jason Holder. For this inexperienced 23-year old, being chosen as the man to lead West Indies cricket out of the doldrums is like being asked to captain an already sinking ship, or manage Aston Villa. Bluntly put, West Indian cricket is a mess, as far a cry away from the all-conquering cricketing powerhouses of the 70s and 80s as it is possible to be. Having led a boycott of the series against India at the end of 2014 over a pay dispute, former captain Dwayne Bravo has been completely omitted from the squad, along with the maverick Kieron Pollard, depriving the Windies of two of their most experienced players and with it, probably any chance of success at this tournament.

Player to watch: Chris Gayle – Shorn of Bravo and Pollard, West Indies fans will be pinning most of their hopes on the insouciant Gayle to cause a shock by beating one of the big boys.

Prediction: Jerome Taylor gains a yard of height and 20 yards of pace and incarnates the spirit of Joel Garner as he tears through the much-vaunted Indian top order. Everyone wakes up. In real life, the Windies somehow sneak through the group stage then go out. Chris Gayle is so laid back that he takes guard lying down against Zimbabwe.

Zimbabwe

Remember when Zimbabwe had genuine world-class players such as Andy Flower and Heath Streak? Nowadays they’re a bit of a ramshackle bunch with far too many players whose names either a) begin with C (Chigumbura, Chakabva, Chibhaba) or b) are a nightmare to spell (Matsikenyeri, Panyangara). Yeah, we had to copy and paste those, so what? On the plus side, they also have the beautifully named Prosper Utseya, and a bloke called Sean Williams who sounds like he should be playing scrum-half for a rugby team somewhere. They will be hoping to beat the two associates and the West Indies to reach the quarters, but that would seem to be the most that the most limited Test-playing team could hope for.

Player to watch: Craig Ervine – at least we thought he was the player to watch until we realised that we were thinking of his brother, Hampshire all-rounder Sean Irvine, who is not in the squad.

Prediction: Finish second-bottom in the group. It turns out that qualified lawyer and ultimate frisbee fanatic Craig Irvine has never played cricket before in his life and that the Zimbabwean selectors made the same mistake as us.

UK ink industry in crisis as Pietersen-Prior war of words intensifies

The UK is braced for the largest ink shortage seen in this country since that time they accidentally printed an entire batch of the last Harry Potter book in font size 72, as the war of words between former England teammates Kevin Pietersen and Matt Prior continues to escalate.

In what can best be described as a literary arms race, Prior today stunningly hit back at criticism in Pietersen's imaginatively entitled autobiography 'KP' by releasing his own book only hours after the former was published. Swashbuckling South African-born batsman/part-time pie chucker Pietersen had most notably accused Prior of 'bullying' other players, such as not-so-swashbuckling South-African-born batsman/inveterate gum chewer Jonthan Trott, and running the dressing room along with other eminent figures of the bowling attack. Clearly riled by the accusations levelled at him, Prior has wasted no time in replying and has launched a sensational series of counter-claims which basically mean no-one has the foggiest idea what the hell is going on any more and can we please just get back to playing some proper cricket again and none of this new-fangled Twenty20 rubbish where people like Luke Wright look half-decent but real cricket where no one scores at more than two an over and then it all ends in a draw anyway? Thanks.

Conscious to avoid any possible litigation, Prior does not directly mention Pietersen in his publication, however frequent references to the cryptically named 'Kaypee' and his decision to name the book Shut Up Kev You Absolute Muppet leave the reader in little doubt as to the target of his ire. Amongst other startling allegations, Prior reveals the origins of his self-appointed nickname 'Big Cheese' (referred to scathingly by Pietersen in his autobiography) by claiming that his use of the term was nothing more than an attempt at self-deprecation after Pietersen dubbed him 'Edam Head' in reference to his big, round, shiny, bald head.

The Prior family tree, by Kevin Pietersen

Prior also lifts the lid on the infamous 'windowgate' incident, where he allegedly smashed a window of the Lords pavilion with his bat after a cheap dismissal: 'The reality is that on that particular afternoon, Kaypee's ego swelled to such a size within the changing room that there was nowhere else for it to go other than through that window. However, after he threatened to tie me to a chair and make me watch a video of a Geoff Boycott double century in its entirety (a solid 30 hours' worth of footage), I had no choice but to take the blame on his behalf. True story.'

Having initially been dropped from the England squad in 2012 after details of texts he had sent to the South Africa team criticising then-skipper Andrew Strauss were released, Prior's book also reveals the full extent of the close rapport Pietersen held with his South African counterparts. It is alleged that Pietersen once dropped a catch off Graeme Smith because he was too busy sending Smith a selfie on Snapchat with the caption 'watch out for the inswinger', and that he also had a to-scale drawing of Hashim Amla's beard tattooed onto his backside after losing a drunken bet.

Despite this, Pietersen does not appear to be about to back down in the argument, and straight away announced details of a sequel so self-indulgent that he isn't even bothering to give it a title. In extracts leaked to this blog, the former England batsman:

•  Explains how the entire squad greeted him after one innings by whistling the Zimbabwean national anthem, leading him to question his own origins and indeed his very own being in a state of panic and confusion;
• Recalls how Andy Flower made him write 'I shall not slog sweep a length ball down deep backward square leg's throat when my side are teetering at 39-5' one hundred times on the dressing room wall after last winter's Sydney Ashes Test;
• Calls upon cricketing historians the world over to reconsider the unanimous view that Don Bradman was the greatest cricketer of all time: 'A Test average of of 99.94 is decent, granted, but how many times has he slogged a Bangladeshi off-spinner over cow corner for six in a meaningless IPL encounter?'.

We hear you Kevin, we hear you.

'The Don': Couldn't hack it in the IPL

10 things they forgot to include in FIFA 15

It's back. With gleaming graphics, a revolutionised dribbling system, and Mezut Ozil looking even more like a preying mantis than ever before, the recently-released FIFA 15 promises to be, like most years, pretty similar to last year. But you'll probably still end up forking out £50 for it anyway.

Having got our hands on a copy, this blog anticipates an astronomical rise in divorce rates as men around the country turn up late for their own wedding after a last-gasp equaliser by a 12-year old from Wigan (alias xX-FIFA_Kid2002-Xx) sends their online game into extra time. Perhaps the most eagerly anticipated new feature was the inclusion of all 20 Premier League stadiums in the game, as this enables us to put to bed once and for all one of football's greatest debates. For the first time, Argentian maestro Lionel Messi has the opportunity to prove to his detractors that he can indeed still perform on a cold, wet Tuesday night in Stoke, with two-footed lunges being aimed at his face by the stain on humanity that is Charlie Adam. We tried it. He's still quite good.

Nevertheless, we can't help but feel that EA Sports has missed out a few crucial elements. Here is our non-exhaustive list of things we would like to see in FIFA 16:

1. Qatar 2022 World Cup committee mode - slip bungs to corrupt FIFA officials, kill off illegal Vietnamese workers in the name of cost efficiency, and rub your hands with glee as the logistical nightmare of having 32 participating nations but only one city in the whole country unfolds, all from your swanky new office in Doha. Limited edition downloadable World Cup stadia pack available for only $2m, payable to Mr S. Blatter, FIFA Hauptquartier, Zurich, Switzerland.

Enhanced graphics mean that buying the World Cup despite all logic indicating that it 

will be a complete farce has never been more lifelike

2. Playable Sepp Blatter - make him play in 50-degree heat and watch him wilt, the corrupt old bastard.

3. Commentary from Joey Barton - listen to Twitter's resident nutter's musings as he guides you through the League Two relegation clash between Wycombe Wanderers and Accrington Stanley employing a mixture of Dostoyevsky quotes and Chinese proverbs.

4. Tragic XI - the antithesis of the all-conquering Classic XI, a team so bad even one of the Irish Premiership teams could beat them. Featuring Marouane Fellaini and Titus Bramble.

5. Handegg (US edition only) - an innovative new take on the game of football as we know it, where you can pick it up with your hands, wear unnecessary amounts of padding and shout U-S-A U-S-A non-stop for 90 minutes to the point where your next-door neighbours want to move as far away from you as humanly possible. Includes all-new franchises such as Hull City Tigersaurus Rexes, East London Jackhammers and a whole host of other teams which sound like they have been taken directly from Pro Evo 4. Game is liable to stop at arbitrary moments for a commercial break. (Editor's note: forget it, turns out they already invented that.)

6. UFOs - this was originally a cheat mode on FIFA 2000, where flying saucers would descend onto the pitch at various intervals and abduct a player at random. In a new twist, you can now fight back, and it'll be just like Independence Day except this time it's Carlton Cole that's the hero.

Extraterrestrials fleeing from a pumped up Carlton Cole (off-shot)

7. 4D goal-line technology - adding an extra dimension to the recently implemented goal-line technology so that when you hit the crossbar and it doesn't cross the line you can go back in time and try again.

8. The Gibraltar national team - because any game without functional mid-to-lower table hero Danny Higginbotham is a game that isn't worth playing.

9. The Falklands national team - because it would wind up the Argies.

10. Bananas - An idea stolen shamelessly from the Mario Kart series. Throw banana peels at the feet of opposition strikers as they race through on goal in an effort to trip them up*.

 * Note: cannot be used on African players or Gareth Bale. This blog actively condemns all forms of racism and bullying.