Chelsea Football Club have announced an open-top bus parade along the Kings Road after clinching a stunning draw at home to Tottenham Hotspur which mathematically assures the west London side of a top-thirteen finish.
In a glorious denouement to a disappointing season in which the club mounted the worst title defence in the history of professional sport, Eden Hazard curled in an equaliser with seven minutes left on the clock to send roughly forty thousand knuckle-draggers into a state of wild delirium at Stamford Bridge last night.
A beaming Guus Hiddink lauded his team’s efforts immediately after the match as captain John Terry danced behind him in full Leicester kit whilst Diego Costa punched a small child and Russian owner Roman Abramovich sacrificed several thousand goats in the centre circle in order to honour the miraculous levels of irrelevance which the club has achieved this year.
MISSING GOAT: last seen being manhandled by a stocky Russian man in Fulham on Monday night
“This club’s entire pointless existence has been based on trying to get people to care a bit about us”, the palpably emotional Dutchman declared during an on-pitch interview as We Are The Champions (Mid-Table Remix) blared out through the PA. “We won the Champions League in 2012 and still no-one noticed, but getting a late, undeserved equaliser against a team that haven’t beaten us at home for 26 years will finally write these players’ names in the history books” he added, before breaking off into tears as his charges dowsed him in champagne bought with the blood of Siberian orphans.
Whilst the nation took great pleasure in Chelsea being woeful for a couple of months in the autumn, everyone had largely forgotten they existed since Jose Mourinho left and took his acute narcissistic paranoia with him. Some would point out that Tottenham have dropped a total of 38 points this season, notably losing at home to Newcastle and drawing with Stoke despite leading 2-0 after 80 minutes, however the Blues have lost no time in trying to get someone to pay attention to them by attempting to convince the world that they are the sole reason why Spurs did not ultimately manage to overhaul Leicester in their bid to win the Premier League for the first time.
Hazard summed up the feeling around the club perfectly after the match, his voice trembling with sentiment: “When I was growing up, I used to love watching Lord of the Rings. You know that scene in The Two Towers where there’s that massive battle in Helm’s Deep with millions of orcs, and then it zooms out and there’s this one little orc standing somewhere near the back…sort of looks like Charlie Adam…yeah, so he sort of stands around awkwardly and doesn’t really get involved but as the camera pans across he waves his arms about a bit and makes some vaguely threatening noises but no one really takes notice and then it zooms back in to the real action and then you instantly forget you ever saw him? No? Well anyway, he was my idol growing up and I think I speak for the club when I say that I’m immensely proud that we were able to have a similar sort of impact on this year’s title race”.
Charlie Adam: a bit-part player on the pitch and on-screen
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