Having got our hands on a copy, this blog anticipates an astronomical rise in divorce rates as men around the country turn up late for their own wedding after a last-gasp equaliser by a 12-year old from Wigan (alias xX-FIFA_Kid2002-Xx) sends their online game into extra time. Perhaps the most eagerly anticipated new feature was the inclusion of all 20 Premier League stadiums in the game, as this enables us to put to bed once and for all one of football's greatest debates. For the first time, Argentian maestro Lionel Messi has the opportunity to prove to his detractors that he can indeed still perform on a cold, wet Tuesday night in Stoke, with two-footed lunges being aimed at his face by the stain on humanity that is Charlie Adam. We tried it. He's still quite good.
Nevertheless, we can't help but feel that EA Sports has missed out a few crucial elements. Here is our non-exhaustive list of things we would like to see in FIFA 16:
1. Qatar 2022 World Cup committee mode - slip bungs to corrupt FIFA officials, kill off illegal Vietnamese workers in the name of cost efficiency, and rub your hands with glee as the logistical nightmare of having 32 participating nations but only one city in the whole country unfolds, all from your swanky new office in Doha. Limited edition downloadable World Cup stadia pack available for only $2m, payable to Mr S. Blatter, FIFA Hauptquartier, Zurich, Switzerland.
Enhanced graphics mean that buying the World Cup despite all logic indicating that it
will be a complete farce has never been more lifelike
2. Playable
Sepp Blatter - make him play in 50-degree heat and watch him wilt, the
corrupt old bastard.
3. Commentary from
Joey Barton - listen to Twitter's resident nutter's musings
as he guides you through the League Two relegation clash between
Wycombe Wanderers and Accrington Stanley employing a mixture of Dostoyevsky
quotes and Chinese proverbs.
4. Tragic
XI - the antithesis of the all-conquering Classic XI, a team so
bad even one of the Irish Premiership teams could beat them.
Featuring Marouane Fellaini and Titus Bramble.
5. Handegg
(US edition only) - an innovative new take on the game of
football as we know it, where you can pick it up with your hands,
wear unnecessary amounts of padding and shout U-S-A U-S-A non-stop
for 90 minutes to the point where your next-door neighbours want to move as far
away from you as humanly possible. Includes all-new franchises such as Hull
City Tigersaurus Rexes, East London Jackhammers and a whole host of other teams
which sound like they have been taken directly from Pro Evo 4.
Game is liable to stop at arbitrary moments for a commercial break. (Editor's
note: forget it, turns out they already invented that.)
Extraterrestrials fleeing from a pumped up Carlton Cole (off-shot)
7. 4D
goal-line technology - adding an extra dimension to the recently
implemented goal-line technology so that when you hit the crossbar and it
doesn't cross the line you can go back in time and try again.
8. The Gibraltar national team - because any game without functional mid-to-lower table hero Danny Higginbotham is a game that isn't worth playing.
9. The Falklands national team - because it would wind up the Argies.
10. Bananas - An idea stolen shamelessly from the Mario Kart series. Throw banana peels at the feet of opposition strikers as they race through on goal in an effort to trip them up*.
* Note: cannot be used on African players or Gareth Bale. This blog actively condemns all forms of racism and bullying.
No comments:
Post a Comment