Mark Noble has announced his retirement from international duty, leaving
England manager Gareth Southgate with no selection headache whatsoever.
Sources close to Noble indicate that he was confident of receiving a first England call-up for the match against Brazil on Tuesday, after a spate of injuries to key players had obliged Southgate to name a
new-look squad for the latest set of international friendlies.
However, the ruddy-faced, Championship-standard hatchetman’s dreams were
left in tatters as he realised that he was, and always had been, absolutely
nowhere near the England squad, with Southgate instead announcing an England debut for Crawley Town’s 38-year old veteran midfielder Dannie Bulman.
Mark Noble struck a familiar pose after seeing the England squad
Fresh from this latest and entirely predictable disappointment, Noble announced
his retirement at a hastily-organised press conference, in what appears to have
been a desperate plea for relevance in a world that had more or less forgotten
that he existed.
The hot-headed plodder read out a short statement in front of
a completely indifferent media, reaffirming his desire to ‘concentrate on delivering entirely inconsequential performances at
the heart of a flimsy West Ham midfield, as we continue our inexorable descent
into the murky depths of the Championship’.
Pressed for his thoughts on the matter, a nonplussed Southgate admitted
he had never heard of Noble, adding that he was happy with the depth of England’s talent pool and was keeping tabs on a number of midfield options such as Serge from Kasabian.
Urge for Serge: Southgate to monitor Leicester rocker in the run-up to the World Cup
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