Spurs flop Soldado dropped over involvement in alien conspiracy

Spurs misfit Roberto Soldado has sensationally been dropped from the squad for Sunday’s League Cup final, sources close to the club have revealed, after head coach Maurico Pochettino discovered that he was an alien from the planet Zorg sent to Earth solely to destroy Tottenham Hotspur Football Club.

Suspicions were initially raised by members of the backroom staff after Spurs’ 2-2 draw with West Ham at the weekend, when the Spanish international was seen leaving White Hart Lane in an flying saucer rather than the team bus preferred by more human members of the squad such as Ben Davies. Much was initially expected from the former fox-in-the-box after Tottenham signed him from Valencia in 2013 in a deal which could have risen to £26m with add-ons but ultimately probably didn’t cost much more than 20 pesetas and a bowl of paella given his startling failure to actually contribute anything meaningful.

Soldado waiting to be beamed up after the West Ham game

Shockingly, it would seem that Soldado’s career and indeed the entire Spanish league was nothing more than a facade designed to lure chairman Daniel Levy into splashing the cash, thus playing right into the hands of his masters. In his post-match press conference, Pochettino had evoked doubts as to the true species of the striker, but clearly the goal-shy forward had been well-briefed on his mission, expertly mixing up the occasional sweetly struck penalty with glaring misses for eighteen months so as not to sound too many alarm bells. However, after he failed to complete a simple two-yard pass to Nacer Chadli for what would have been an open goal in Thursday’s 2-0 defeat against Fiorentina, Spurs personnel were put on full alert, and eventually caught Soldado red-handed when he was found peeling off his own face in the toilets after the game to reveal something vaguely resembling Jonjo Shelvey.

Whilst for the time being it is unclear why aliens would be so intent on ruining the club, these developments also cast doubt over the forces acting behind certain other unfortunate moments in Tottenham’s history, such as Kyle Naughton’s presence in the matchday squad throughout most of last season. Extra-terrestrial sightings have become a more frequent occurrence in the Premier League in recent years, most notably the brief appearance of Gabriel Obertan at Manchester United, and vigilence levels have been raised at other clubs throughout the division as result.

Alien life from the planet Obertan                                      A second-rate French winger

Meanwhile, having just seen his side get knocked out of Europe, Pochettino preferred to take the positives, claiming that going out of the Europa League would be a blessing in disguise as it would allow his team to concentrate on its main aim of qualifying for the Europa League. ‘Europa League qualification is the ultimate prize for most of these players’, opined the master Argentinian tactician. ‘The Europa League is a bit of a distraction for most of these players, so I’m not too fussed about going out of the Europa League as long as it means we have the best chance possible of getting back into the Europa League next year’.