Andrew Strauss’s mother called up for NZ series as England look to rebuild trust

Less than a week after making the controversial decision to effectively end Kevin Pietersen’s international career, Andrew Strauss has further signalled his intent to rebuild trust amongst the England set-up by drafting his mother into the squad for tomorrow’s first Test against New Zealand.

The former stodgy left-handed opener had cited ‘trust issues’ as the main reason for Pietersen’s exclusion, seemingly forgetting that ‘KP’ was merely eyeing up a spot in the England middle-order, rather than asking for his hand in marriage or even playing one of those annoying teambuilding exercises where you have to close your eyes and fall backwards in the hope your colleague will catch you.

At a hastily-organised press conference in front of Mrs Strauss’s current residence at the Great Missenden Support Centre for the Elderly, the new Director of Cricket laid out the reasons for the selection: ‘The last 18 months have been a tumultuous time for the England team, and it is my belief that the key foundation to success is having a group of players who can be relied on to stick together through thick and thin. Look at the Aussies – they all know that if one of them ever gets into a scrap, Dave Warner will be straight in there looking to spark people out. My mum may have had two hip replacements but there is no one I would trust more to step up to the plate in times of need and make cakes for the rest of the team, or keep up team morale during a long rain break with some great stories about her book club nights with the girls.’

Andrew Strauss laughed off suggestions that England might pick players based on ability

‘Mummy’ is expected to open the batting with Alistair Cook, meaning that there will be no place for prolific Yorkshireman Adam Lyth as England continue their selection policy of heroically refusing to select anyone actually in form.

In other slightly conflicting news, Harry Redknapp has been made favourite to take over as new England head coach whilst Strauss is rumoured to be on the verge of offering seven zero-time Tour de France winner Lance Armstrong a role as team dietician.

Spurs flop Soldado dropped over involvement in alien conspiracy

Spurs misfit Roberto Soldado has sensationally been dropped from the squad for Sunday’s League Cup final, sources close to the club have revealed, after head coach Maurico Pochettino discovered that he was an alien from the planet Zorg sent to Earth solely to destroy Tottenham Hotspur Football Club.

Suspicions were initially raised by members of the backroom staff after Spurs’ 2-2 draw with West Ham at the weekend, when the Spanish international was seen leaving White Hart Lane in an flying saucer rather than the team bus preferred by more human members of the squad such as Ben Davies. Much was initially expected from the former fox-in-the-box after Tottenham signed him from Valencia in 2013 in a deal which could have risen to £26m with add-ons but ultimately probably didn’t cost much more than 20 pesetas and a bowl of paella given his startling failure to actually contribute anything meaningful.

Soldado waiting to be beamed up after the West Ham game

Shockingly, it would seem that Soldado’s career and indeed the entire Spanish league was nothing more than a facade designed to lure chairman Daniel Levy into splashing the cash, thus playing right into the hands of his masters. In his post-match press conference, Pochettino had evoked doubts as to the true species of the striker, but clearly the goal-shy forward had been well-briefed on his mission, expertly mixing up the occasional sweetly struck penalty with glaring misses for eighteen months so as not to sound too many alarm bells. However, after he failed to complete a simple two-yard pass to Nacer Chadli for what would have been an open goal in Thursday’s 2-0 defeat against Fiorentina, Spurs personnel were put on full alert, and eventually caught Soldado red-handed when he was found peeling off his own face in the toilets after the game to reveal something vaguely resembling Jonjo Shelvey.

Whilst for the time being it is unclear why aliens would be so intent on ruining the club, these developments also cast doubt over the forces acting behind certain other unfortunate moments in Tottenham’s history, such as Kyle Naughton’s presence in the matchday squad throughout most of last season. Extra-terrestrial sightings have become a more frequent occurrence in the Premier League in recent years, most notably the brief appearance of Gabriel Obertan at Manchester United, and vigilence levels have been raised at other clubs throughout the division as result.

Alien life from the planet Obertan                                      A second-rate French winger

Meanwhile, having just seen his side get knocked out of Europe, Pochettino preferred to take the positives, claiming that going out of the Europa League would be a blessing in disguise as it would allow his team to concentrate on its main aim of qualifying for the Europa League. ‘Europa League qualification is the ultimate prize for most of these players’, opined the master Argentinian tactician. ‘The Europa League is a bit of a distraction for most of these players, so I’m not too fussed about going out of the Europa League as long as it means we have the best chance possible of getting back into the Europa League next year’.

ICC Cricket World Cup 2015: A team-by-team guide

2015 promises to be a World Cup like no other. With new bowler-unfriendly fielding restrictions in place, run rates are set to rocket, and as IPL-honed batsmen bring become ever more innovative, expect to see more single-handed reverse smashes and switch-foot defensive sweeps than ever before.

This year's format, with 2 pools of 7 teams each playing each other once, mean that cricket lovers all around the globe will be treated to even more meaningless one-sided group encounters, before we get down to real business in the knockout stages.  Once again, 4 associate (non Test-playing) nations will get the opportunity to try and cause a shock, although there is no place this time for the South Africa B team, also known as the Netherlands.

In the guide below, we have weighed up the prospects of each of the 14 nations participating in this year's tournament, and pinpointed the players worth keeping an eye on:

Pool A

Afghanistan

Afghanistan come into the tournament with serious big-match pedigree having beaten the mighty Hong Kong in last year’s World Twenty20, before losing to, err, Nepal. The rise of Afghanistan as a cricketing nation is fairly remarkable given that the national side was only formed 14 years ago after the fall of the Taliban, whose appalling failure to promote grassroots cricket was no doubt a catalyst for George W. Bush’s decision to launch a full-scale war in the country. Afghanistan recorded its first ever victory against a Test-playing nation when they beat Bangladesh in the 2014 Asia Cup, and is generally considered to be the most competitive of the associate nations along with Ireland.

Player to watch: Shapoor Zadran – With his dark, flowing locks and exuberant celebrations, Zadran bears an uncanny resemblance to former Pakistan paceman Shoaib Akhtar, if Shoaib bowled in slow motion. He is one of three Zadrans in the squad but we didn’t care enough to find out whether any of them are related.

 Shapoor Zadran: Might have a couple of brothers. Might not.

Prediction: Beat Scotland in the battle of the minnows but fail to win another game. The game against New Zealand gets suspended for 15 minutes as groundstaff desperately search for Shapoor Zadran’s eyeballs, which pop out after an overly aggressive fist pump.

Australia

Hands up who didn’t prefer it when Australia were a bit rubbish? You there, with your hand up. Go sit in the corner. Oh how we laughed for those few glorious years where, shorn of the golden era of McGrath, Warne, Gilchrist et al, the Aussies were but a shadow of their former selves, losing Ashes series like it was 1883. Unfortunately for all involved, Mitchell Johnson has gone from nervous wreck to wrecking ball, and Steve Smith has been transformed from a porcine-featured figure of fun to someone who still looks a lot like a pig but is pretty good at cricket, leaving the old enemy looking very smug indeed as they go into the tournament as favourites.

Player to watch: David Warner - the archetypal square-jawed convict, Australia’s favourite bogan loves winding up the opposition as much as pinch hitting at the top of the order. Worth an each-way bet to end up the tournament as either top scorer or in prison.

Prediction: Lose to a Ravi Bopara-inspired England by 300 runs in the group stages. End up as beaten finalists. David Warner gets a two-match suspension for fighting a kangaroo.

Steve Smith has been in fine form leading up to the tournament

Bangladesh 

Since gaining Test status in 2000, Bangladeshi cricket has failed to progress in the way they would have hoped and the team still finds itself floating somewhere in between the main test-playing nations and the associates. Their most recent result was a 5-0 series win against Zimbabwe, and they did beat New Zealand at home at the end of 2013, but have been on the receiving end of a few drubbings outside of Bangladesh and whether they can adapt to Australian conditions remains to be seen. As with the rest of the Asian teams, their batting is their stronger suit and they will be looking for big performances from players such as Tamim Iqbal and rising star Mominul Haque (averaging over 60 in his 12 Tests) in order to spring a surprise.

Player to watch: Shakib-al-Hasan - undoubtedly the best player ever produced by Bangladesh, the former captain comes into the World Cup as the leading all-rounder in the ICC rankings in all three formats; the first time this has been achieved. Last year he was banned for 3 ODIs for pointing towards his crotch during a live broadcast which is pretty hilarious and almost certainly against the spirit of cricket. 

Prediction: Lose their Test status midway through the first innings of their match against Afghanistan after a batting collapse, then regain it during the interval after strong resistance from the tail. Beat the two associate teams but still go out at the group stage. Shakib gets kicked out of the tournament for mooning Mitchell Starc during his run-up.

England 

Welcome to the brave new era of English one-day cricket. With the horribly out of nick Alastair Cook finally dropped only a few months before the World Cup, leadership of the side has been taken over by Eoin Morgan, who is not only Irish, but the only person in the England team even more horribly out of nick than the former captain. That said, the ECB didn’t have much choice, and Morgan, if he can find some touch, has the potential to be a match-winner for England. Indeed this new-look England batting line-up has a number of players with star potential (Ali, Buttler etc), and coupled with a strong-looking bowling attack, England have the ability to spring a surprise or two if everything clicks. Big if.

Player to watch: Moeen Ali – ‘The Beard that Is Feared’, ‘Golden Arm Moeen’, ‘The guy who looks a bit like Hashim Amla’; 2014 was a breakthrough year for the bearded wonder, and whilst his bowling having come on leaps and bounds, his wristy batting style has on a number of occasions been put to devastating effect. Needs to stop getting to 20-odd then slogging one down mid-wicket’s throat, mind you.

Prediction: England look encouraging in the group stages, then get absolutely hammered in the quarter final. Thousands descend upon the streets of London demanding the immediate reintroduction of Jade Dernbach to the squad. Chris Woakes tries really bloody hard and has nice hair.

New Zealand

For years, watching New Zealand was like watching a team full of (less ginger) Paul Collingwoods, with a plethora of bits and bobs players such as Scott Styris and Jacob Oram who were alright at batting, alright at bowling, and a touch above alright in the field. They punched above their weight as a team but never looked a serious threat for a trophy. Out of nowhere, however, the Kiwis are really good. Their batting line-up is now a serious threat, with three world-class batsmen in McCullum, Williamson and Taylor able to blow away the opposition, whilst Tim Southee and Trent Boult are currently one of the most potent new ball pairings in world cricket. In home conditions, expect them to do well.

Player to watch: Brendon McCullum – if he gets going, he can destroy any attack. Not to be confused with Nathan McCullum, his younger brother, who is much more a cricketer in the Collingwood mould (see above).

Prediction: Before the clash with England, New Zealand are the first international cricket team to perform the Haka. With Ross Taylor being the solitary Maori in the team, the rest of the players get in a muddle and the whole thing descends into farce. England try and imitate them but somehow end up Morris Dancing. New Zealand win the World Cup for the first time.

Paul Collingwood: Not from New Zealand

Scotland

One could argue that the Scottish cricket team is a perfect metaphor for what Scotland’s status on the world stage would have been had it voted for independence: completely irrelevant. The Scots have previously entered 2 World Cups and have lost every single game, although they did officially finish an encouraging 15th (out of 16 teams) in the 2007 edition. Dizzying heights indeed for a country who have only produced one half-decent player in their history, all-rounder Gavin Hamilton. Hamilton even managed to make it into the England team for one test in 1999, where he bagged a pair and failed to take a single wicket, putting him in the top 10 most successful Scottish sportsmen ever.

Player to watch: Colin McCoverdrive – a wholly fictional character, he probably couldn’t be any worse than anyone actually in the squad. Learnt his trade up in the Highlands with only a scotch egg for a ball.

Prediction: Scotland take to the field in kilts in attempt to distract the opposition batsmen. Despite the ICC offering to replace the stumps with cabers to give the Scottish bowlers more to aim at, they still lose every game.

Sri Lanka

Despite losing a recent series against New Zealand, Sri Lanka always remain a threat in the 50-over format, even outside of the subcontinent. Whilst the opening pair remains a concern, the middle-order of Sangakkara, Jayawardene and captain Angelo Matthews is formidable and in Lasith Malinga they possess one of the best death bowlers in ODI history. Rangana Herath is one of the top spinners in the world at the moment too, although whether the Australasian pitches will suit him remains to be seen.

Player to watch: Kumar Sangakkara – Seemingly age-defying, ‘Sanga’ keeps getting better and better the older he gets. Now 37, his career average is projected to be about a billion by the time of his 70th birthday if it continues at its current trajectory. He also keeps wicket, which makes him a shoo-in for any budding World Cup Fantasy Cricket players out there.  Has a law degree and is responsible for one of the greatest bits of sledging in cricket history:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PlFF98dM8sA

Prediction: Jayawardene and Sangakkara roll back the years and help their side top Pool A. By the end of the seemingly interminable group stage, both players reach their 100th birthday. The ICC then rules that using a walking stick for a bat is against World Cup regulations and suspends the duo for the semi-final, where Sri Lanka lose to New Zealand.

Pool B

India

In 2011, at their home World Cup, they were all-conquering, all-helicoptering (trademark M.S. Dhoni) and all-in-all pretty spectacular at cricket. Then half the team retired, including god amongst men (in India at least) Sachin Tendulkar, and now in 2015 we see a new-look Indian team searching for a new identity. The batting still looks strong, with Virat Kohli, one of the new breed of Indian superstars brought up on a diet of Twenty20 cricket, having recently made three centuries in his first three innings as Test captain. Expectations are far lower than 4 years ago after a fairly sobering few months during which they lost four consecutive Test series and failed to win a single game in the recent tri-series with England and Australia. Nevertheless, a 5-0 win against Sri Lanka was a reminder of their potential in ODIs if they can find a bit of form – and a decent fast bowler.

Player to watch: Rohit Sharma – less heralded than other players in the batting order, but anyone who can hit 264 in an ODI, as Sharma did at the end of 2014, is worth keeping an eye on.

Prediction: The top-order batsmen, all wearing Sachin Tendulkar masks, get in the groove and India post a couple of huge scores on their way to the semi-finals, where they get beaten by Australia in a thriller. Dhoni helicopters an overpitched ball so hard that he actually takes off.

Ireland

If any nation was going to have a chubby little fellow with hair as pink as his face as their talisman, it would be Ireland. Thanks to Kevin O’Brien’s heroics, the Irish created the shock of the 2011 World Cup by recovering from 111-5 to chase down 327 to defeat England in the group stage, although it is debatable whether the real shock is that Ireland won, or that England managed to score over 300 in the first place. Probably the best of the associate nations, Ireland will be looking to kill some more giants and qualify from the group for the first time.

Player to watch: Eoin Morgan...but if we’re going to be pedantic and choose someone who actually plays for Ireland, Ed Joyce is the man in form, having scored 7 centuries for Sussex in the County Championship last season. Joyce actually played for England in the 2007 World Cup, making him the most fickle man in world cricket.

Eoin Morgan: Proud to be Irish

Prediction: Ireland beat Zimbabwe, the UAE and the West Indies to reach the knockout stages. A lot of Guinness is drunk. A noticeably worse-for-wear Irish team lose in the quarters, but not before Ed Joyce’s bid to claim Sri Lankan nationality between innings is rejected.

Pakistan

No in-fighting, no allegations of match-fixing, no Inzamam to get run out in comical fashion – this year’s Pakistan side look positively boring in comparison to some of their predecessors. The appointment of 96 year-old (approximately) Misbah-Ul-Haq as captain has brought some much needed stability to this often troubled side, and the batting in particular has been in great form over the winter, with veteran Younis Khan scoring so many centuries that the ICC had to send him an official reprimand telling him to calm down. Their opening match, a mouth-watering and potentially explosive clash with rivals India, is eagerly anticipated by millions all over the subcontinent.

Player to watch: Shahid Afridi – he will be 35 by the time the tournament is over but Afridi is still Pakistan’s main man in ODIs. A swashbuckling lower-order batsman and more than useful leg-spinner, Pakistan fans will be hoping for fireworks from the man they call ‘Boom Boom’.

Preduction: A sedate Pakistan beat India in a low-key contest and generously refuse to celebrate victory with anything more than a firm handshake. They slip under the radar to top the group but lose in the quarter-finals with the minimum of fuss.

South Africa

Desperate to shake of their tag as perennial chokers, the Proteas come into this year’s tournament in ebullient moods after a complete dismantling of a struggling West Indies side in their most recent series. In Hashim Amla, they possess arguably the world’s best batsman. In Dale Steyn, arguably the world’s best bowler. In AB de Villiers, arguably the greatest human being the world has ever seen. The rest of the team isn’t bad either, with a strong, varied pace attack, and a number of young batsmen such as Rilee Roussow and Quinton de Kock (chuckle) starting to fulfil their potential. They’ll be tough to beat and no one would want to face them in the knockout rounds.

Player to watch: AB de Villiers – a remarkable specimen, de Villiers played rugby, tennis and hockey for South Africa at junior level. He also plays golf off scratch. He once outran a gazelle and swam (butterfly stroke) across the Arctic Ocean without even getting a bit cold. He has a very attractive wife and is also an extremely nice person. He also recently scored a century off 30 balls. Probably really good at bowling if he ever bothered to try.

Prediction: South Africa choke, lose to the UAE and go out at the group stage. AB de Villiers still manages to score 7 centuries in only 6 games and retires from cricket to start his own religion.

AB de Villiers (praise be unto him) saluting the onlooking mortals

UAE

The UAE make a World Cup appearance for the first time in 18 years, after their solitary appearance in 1996. They lost to Scotland in qualification, a low point in the country’s history, but recovered sufficiently to claim the final World Cup spot. They will be eyeing their opening fixtures against Zimbabwe and Ireland as an opportunity to register at least one victory, then may as well just give up and go the beach instead of inevitably getting obliterated in their next 4 games.

Player to watch: Saqlain Haider – we’d never heard of him before but he shares a first name with former world-class spinner turned devout Muslim Saqlain Mushtaq so who knows, maybe he’ll surprise us all by bowling a googly (unlikely, he’s a wicketkeeper), or by growing great facial hair (unlikely, he looks about 12).

Prediction: Kevin Pietersen signs up for Emirati nationality on a rolling one-week contract but cannot prevent his new franchise from going out at the group stage.

West Indies

Poor Jason Holder. For this inexperienced 23-year old, being chosen as the man to lead West Indies cricket out of the doldrums is like being asked to captain an already sinking ship, or manage Aston Villa. Bluntly put, West Indian cricket is a mess, as far a cry away from the all-conquering cricketing powerhouses of the 70s and 80s as it is possible to be. Having led a boycott of the series against India at the end of 2014 over a pay dispute, former captain Dwayne Bravo has been completely omitted from the squad, along with the maverick Kieron Pollard, depriving the Windies of two of their most experienced players and with it, probably any chance of success at this tournament.

Player to watch: Chris Gayle – Shorn of Bravo and Pollard, West Indies fans will be pinning most of their hopes on the insouciant Gayle to cause a shock by beating one of the big boys.

Prediction: Jerome Taylor gains a yard of height and 20 yards of pace and incarnates the spirit of Joel Garner as he tears through the much-vaunted Indian top order. Everyone wakes up. In real life, the Windies somehow sneak through the group stage then go out. Chris Gayle is so laid back that he takes guard lying down against Zimbabwe.

Zimbabwe

Remember when Zimbabwe had genuine world-class players such as Andy Flower and Heath Streak? Nowadays they’re a bit of a ramshackle bunch with far too many players whose names either a) begin with C (Chigumbura, Chakabva, Chibhaba) or b) are a nightmare to spell (Matsikenyeri, Panyangara). Yeah, we had to copy and paste those, so what? On the plus side, they also have the beautifully named Prosper Utseya, and a bloke called Sean Williams who sounds like he should be playing scrum-half for a rugby team somewhere. They will be hoping to beat the two associates and the West Indies to reach the quarters, but that would seem to be the most that the most limited Test-playing team could hope for.

Player to watch: Craig Ervine – at least we thought he was the player to watch until we realised that we were thinking of his brother, Hampshire all-rounder Sean Irvine, who is not in the squad.

Prediction: Finish second-bottom in the group. It turns out that qualified lawyer and ultimate frisbee fanatic Craig Irvine has never played cricket before in his life and that the Zimbabwean selectors made the same mistake as us.