Alex Salmond named manager of soon-to-be independent Fulham

In an unexpected move, hopeless Fulham chairman Shahid Khan has today unveiled Alex Salmond as the club's new manager, with the Scot set to take charge of the London outfit for this Saturday's clash against Birmingham.

Penfold from Danger Mouse look-a-like and former boss Felix Magath was sacked last Thursday after a disastrous start to the new campaign which saw his side pick up only one point from seven games. Khan is said to be desperate to shake off the club's 'boring' image which saw them become almost everyone's second-favourite team by virtue of being so bloody inoffensive. Magath had been derided by large sections of the media as fans grew increasingly disgruntled with his antiquated methods, which included instructing Brede Hangeland to massage Dairylea Triangles into his injured groin, and playing Scott Parker.

Former manager Felix Magath cut an increasingly beleaguered figure on the Fulham bench

Whilst Salmond continues in a long line of bald, rotund Fulham managers (Jol, Magath etc), the appointment seems certain to bring about a marked change of direction for the ailing club. Although he lacks any relevant footballing experience, Salmond was said to be itching for a return to high-level public failure less than a week after his retirement from politics, and the club's owners are believed to be particularly impressed by his opening press conference, during which he revealed that 'the Scottish referendum malarkey was just a bit of a laugh and all I've ever wanted was to lead an independent Fulham to World Cup glory.'.

Having decided that democratic voting is, in fact, overrated, sources close to Salmond have hinted that he intends on unilaterally declaring the west London borough an independent republic by the end of the season, before invading England. Salmond has also promised to create 50,000 new jobs amongst the catering staff, launch his own space program which will see Hugo Rodallega be the first man to walk on the Sun, and insist on paying all future transfer fees in Scottish five pound notes. Meanwhile, Khan has pledged to use every last penny of his vast $4.3bn fortune to offer Lamborghinis to the FIFA World Cup selection committee, in a move completely unrelated to the news that Craven Cottage is now set to host the entirety of the 2026 World Cup.

Some experts believe that Alex Salmond has gone 'completely loco'

 

The new head coach is said to have beaten off stiff competition from an Aztec warlord whose plans to sacrifice youth team players in a pre-match ritual and relocate the club from its quaint riverside location to the ancient Mexican city of Technoctitlan failed to seduce the Fulham faithful.

In other news, the ghost of Michael Jackson has been named Head of Youth Development at the club, although parents are said to be slightly concerned at his intention to implement a strict one-touch philosophy for all kids' teams.